Sunday, September 24, 2017

Star Trek: Discovery Season 1 Episode 1: The Vulcan Hello

5 second plot: On a mission to figure out what went wrong with a communication beacon the U.S.S. Shenzou has a run in with an unidentified object. Spoiler alert: it's a Klingon warship ready for action.

5 second review: The visuals are good and the Klingons are cool but everything else is pretty weak. It already starts with the opening credits. It's all a big bummer. The dialogue is so silly, even the actors don't believe what they are saying. And this first episode ends in a cliff hanger, can you believe it.

IMDb score: 7,3/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, September 10, 2017

The Orville Season 1 Episode 1: Old Wounds

5 second plot: In the year 2419 Ed Mercer is promoted to captain of the ship The Orville. He is not too happy with his ex-wife being assigned as his First Officer. One their first mission they run into the Krill, a dangerous enemy.

5 second review: I loved the trailer of this first episode. But if you've seen the trailer, you've seen the best parts. Literally all the good jokes are already in the trailer. The rest of the episode is actually quite terrible. The crew explains everything that is going to happen in great detail. They're telling it to each other but you know that they are talking to you, the stupid viewer.

IMDb score: 7,3/10
Our score: 3/10
Our score for the trailer: 9,5/10

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

It is scary fun

5 second plot: It's not easy being a kid in Derry in 1988-89. Either you get beaten up by the local bullies, have horrible nightmares/visions or get chased by an evil clown that wants to eat you alive. Enter 'The Losers'. They are tired of being scared and decide to put an end to It.

5 second review: This is like a fucked up horror version of The Goonies. The kids are perfectly cast, the horror is great (don't worry about kids being involved, no-one's holding back here), it's funny as shit and scary as hell. I will be dreaming of this fucking clown for a very long time.

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 9/10

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: The Dragon and the Wolf (season finale)

5 second plot: Daenerys and friends show the zombie to Cersei and friends. Sansa and Arya's conflict reaches a boiling point. We find out who Jon really is (it's even more complicated than we first thought). The dead arrive at the wall.

5 second review: It's great to see old friends and foes meet. It's a good thing Bron is there to take the edge off (a little bit). I love the way Ned Stark's legacy is still very much alive. He is still the coolest man in GoT. This episode is unreal. I don't think I've ever in my life seen an episode of a TV show this good. And now we wait...

IMDb score: 9,7/10
Our score: 10/10

Friday, August 25, 2017

Death Note is actually pretty good

5 second plot: One day a book falls out of the sky. If you write someone's name in it, this person will die. Light (that's the name of the kid that finds the book) tries to do the right thing by writing down the names of evil men (and women?) but he takes his good intentions too far.

5 second review: I was not expecting to be positively surprised by this movie. Nat Wolff (Light, the lead character) has got a natural flair that makes this movie work. It's also not too serious, thank you very much. And Willem Dafoe is perfect as the voice of the evil demon that comes along with the book.

IMDb score: 4,7/10
Our score: 8/10

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: Beyond the Wall

5 second plot: Jon and his band of brothers find the army of the dead. They are able to catch one of them, but at a great cost.  Aria confronts Sansa with something she did a long time ago. She doesn't seem to realize that Littlefinger is playing her.

5 second review: There's a lot of talking and butt-kissing first to get to the spectacular stuff. But it's worth the wait. I don't like where they are going with Aria in the story. I hope she's not as stupid as they are trying to make us believe.

IMDb score: 9,7/10
Our score: 9/10

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Science Fiction Volume One: The Osiris Child is nothing new

5 second plot: There's been an outbreak of self-bred killer monsters on a colonized planet (we're in the future by the way). A military man has got somewhat less than 24 hours to save his family before the planet is destroyed (as a containment precaution).

5 second review: The sci-fi stuff is not bad for a low budget movie. The big set pieces are filmed from a distance or in a bit of a blur, but that's still okay. Some things weren't given enough thought though. Like prison guards with very impractical armor (it had to be cool, not practical, I guess). There's nothing new, nothing original, so why waste your time creating a small budget movie like this? There's no added value.

IMDb score: 5,9/10
Our score: 2/10

Friday, August 18, 2017

The Hitman's Bodyguard is simple fun

5 second plot: Ryan Renolds is a world class bodyguard who has to get Samuel L. Jackson’s world class hit man safely to The Hague to testify against a war criminal.

5 second review: This is a good old fashioned simple uncomplicated team-up action comedy. If ask yourself too many questions while watching this movie it’s very likely you will not make it through it without throwing something at the screen. But if you just go with the flow, you’ll have a great time.

IMDb score: 7,1/10
Our score: 8/10

What Happened to Monday is too much

5 second plot: The world has become overpopulated. To keep this population fed, scientists have found a way to enhance crops. But this resulted in even more kids. So now the government has decided that parents can only have one child. Somehow the seven (identical) Settmans siblings have survived without being noticed. But now one of them has gone missing.

5 second review: The action sequences are good and Noomi Rapace does a fine job portraying seven different people. The future looks like today. Except for the cheap stuff. It was a good idea on paper, but as a movie it's not that interesting. And it's too much of the same, it's too long and the story comes to a full stop too often (and then it's like no-one knows what to do next).

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Eastwatch

5 second plot: Spoilers ahead! Jaime realizes that it's going to be impossible to win the war. Cersei won't hear of it. Jon wants to show Cersei a zombie to convince her to leave Daenerys alone for a bit so she can help him fight the dead. Tyrion secretly meets with Jaime to talk about it. Jon teams up with a magnificent band of heroes and misfits to go snatch the zombie.

5 second review: There's no big battle in this episode. I was kind of getting used to it. Jon's team has got The Hound in it, the bastard son of king Baratheon, Jorah and the leader of the wildlings. Now that's a team-up! I was thinking about the meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. How did they arrange that? They don't have phones so how in the world did he ring that in?

IMDb score: 9,2/10
Our score: 9/10