Sunday, August 30, 2015

Fear the Walking Dead Season 1 Episode 2: So Close, Yet So Far

5 second plot: Travis and Madison are beginning to realize just how serious the situation is. Their first priority is to gather all of their kids and then they are getting out of the city (to the desert) and away from people (good call). But they run into some problems on their way and get separated.

5 second review: This is probably how something like this would really go down. Nobody knows anything and slowly it just gets more and more out of control. And then there's no stopping it. We didn't see a lot of zombies in this episode, but we did get to see mom's first kill. Good job, mom!

IMDb score: 8,7/10
Our score: 9/10

Friday, August 28, 2015

The Diary of a Teenage Girl is just weird

5 second plot: It's 1976. Minnie is a 15 year old girl living in San Francisco with her mom and her sister. She's having sex with her mom's hot boyfriend. Not one time, but lots of times.

5 second review: Everyone tries their best not to make this feel weird and awkward. That didn't quite work for me. Why would anyone want to make a movie about a 15 year old kid having sex with a 35 year old man. Good performances, sure; and also nice visuals, really; but I didn't enjoy this movie one bit. I might be too old fashioned I guess.

IMDb score: 7/10
Our score: 2/10

Turbo Kid is a little bit of fun

5 second plot: In a world that has gone to shit (it's a wasteland) a young boy tries to survive on his own. One day he meets a nice girl. When this girl is taken by the evil Zeus he puts on the suit of his comic book hero Turbo Rider and jumps to the rescue.

5 second review: This movie is not as awesome as some people made me believe it is. But it's definitely a little bit of fun. It's got a great futuristic retro look and sound. And there's blood constantly gushing all over the place, wildly out of control. Okay, maybe it was more than just a little bit of fun.

IMDb score: 7,2/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The Transporter Refueled is amazingly stupid

5 second plot: Russian gangsters take over a prostitution district in the French Riviera. A couple of girls want out and come up with an elaborate scheme to get back at the assholes that forced them into prostitution. The Transporter gets sucked into their plan. His dad as well.

5 second review: What the fuck is this? We’ve got moronic bad guys handing over business cards with a cool logo, we’ve got a boring dude with a cool car just looking for lame excuses to get the cops on his tail (and get into fights) and we’ve got pretty girls who finally get out of prostitution and thank their ‘saviors’ by having sex with them. I was just in awe over the stupidity of this movie. One more thing: are these French guys dubbed? That makes it even more cheap ass looking.

IMDb score: 4,9/10
Our score: 2/10

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Fear the Walking Dead Season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

5 second plot: It's the start of the Walking Dead zombie outbreak. In LA. Nick is one of the first people to see a zombie. And live to tell about it. No-one believes him, because he's a drug addict. He doesn't even believe it himself, he thinks he's going insane. His mom and sister just want him to get better. His step-dad tries to figure out what might have happened.

5 second review: After 5 minutes I already knew this spin-off is going to be great. The pilot takes its sweet time to get going, but I loved the fact that you can slowly but surely feel shit hitting the fan real hard. The dramatic focus is completely on the worried family (with the addicted son and all), they don't know what's coming. But we do. And it's going to be awesome.

IMDb score: 8,7/10
Our score: 9/10

Friday, August 21, 2015

American Ultra is good fun

5 second plot: Mike is a simple guy, living in a small town with his girlfriend. What he doesn't know is that he was 'created' by the government in some sort of experiment. And the government is tired of him trying to leave town all the time (he never succeeds, he gets panic attacks). So they decide to terminate him. It is at that point that Mike finds out he's got some nasty cool fighting skills.

5 second review: It's very funny to see this relaxed dude getting freaked out about his awesome skills. He has to face great baddies and he takes them all out. They throw a grenade at him, he catches it and just tosses it back. At one point he thinks he's a robot.

IMDb score: 6,4/10
Our score: 8/10

Sinister 2 is memorable

5 second plot: Courtney is on the run, together with her two boys, from her crazy husband. She chooses the wrong house to hide in. An evil entity resides there and it's after one of her sons. Well, after anyone that crosses its path actually.

5 second review: The home-made films of the killings are awesome (but mind you: very disturbing). The ghost-like appearances are pretty well done too. But that's about it. If that's enough for you, than perfect. But if you also want a good story with good characters, than this is going to be too light.

IMDb score: 5,4/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Hitman: Agent 47 is ludicrous

5 second plot: An evil organization is looking for the guy that can make the perfect human. The perfect killing machine, that is. An almost perfect boy and girl are also looking for him. And they are on his side. So it seems.

5 second review: Oh boy. After the first (terrible) movie, I figured they must have gotten it right this time. But they didn’t. It’s really awful. The fights are good (a bit brutal, but good) and the action sequences are solid but the movie’s got no heart and no soul. And it doesn’t make any sense.

IMDb score: 5,9/10
Our score: 3/10

Thursday, August 20, 2015

We Are Your Friends comes close

5 second plot: Cole is looking for his big break as a DJ. He and his buddies really want to get out of the Valley. Together with his new hot shot DJ friend and his girlfriend Cole tries to find his own sound.

5 second review: I guess you have to be a fan of electronic music to like this. I dug it, but I don't know if there's a big enough audience for this. It's not just about DJ-ing, but also about friendship and love. And about being a good person and dreaming out loud.

IMDb score: 5,8/10
Our score: 7/10

Monday, August 17, 2015

The Bride is no good

5 second plot: Two days before their wedding, a couple is attacked by a group of masked men. They kill the groom and leave the bride for dead after brutally raping her. This event awakens an ancient spirit that will help get this bride the revenge she needs.

5 second review: This is not good. It's an attempt to recreate the vibe of I Spit On Your Grave but it fails terribly. I felt sorry for the actors because it looks like they were really serious about this movie and really wanted it to be good. Cool poster though. Extra point for that.

IMDb score: 3,8/10
Our score: 1/10

Friday, August 14, 2015

Amnesiac is very disappointing

5 second plot: A guy wakes up after a car crash, not remembering who he is. His wife is taking care of him, but she avoids his questions. Which makes him wonder if she really is who she says she is.

5 second review: This movie is one big mystery. That's it. There's nothing else. There is no-one to root for. And it's rather boring. You could watch an other movie while watching this one and not miss a thing. The conclusion (the only reason to sit through it) is very disappointing.

IMDb score: 4,3/10
Our score; 1/10

The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is old school fun

5 second plot: Back in the days of the cold war an American and a Russian spy have to work together to stop an evil family corporation from creating a nuclear bomb. They start with adding one extra team member: the daughter of the nuclear scientist that was kidnapped.

5 second review: The charm of the three leads is what makes this a fun movie. The old school spy story might be a little bit too old school for some people but I enjoyed it very much. It's obvious they wanted to reference the old series but I don't think the majority of the target audience of the movie knows anything about the series.

IMDb score: 7,6/10
Our score: 7/10

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Absolutely Anything is childish

5 second plot: A group of superior aliens crosses earth’s path. They decide to vaporize it. But then reconsider and decide to give one representative absolute power for 10 days. He has to prove that he can use this absolute power for good. If he uses it for evil, the earth will be destroyed.

5 second review: If the plot description already annoys you, then you sure as hell don't want to watch the movie. It will infuriate you. It's filled with 'I-wish-gags' that are too simple and very childish. The aliens are funny though. And the dog is too (love you, Robin Williams). Kate Beckinsale is too pretty for this movie. Who's got gorgeous hair like that, really?

IMDb score: 6,1/10
Our score: 5/10

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Straight Outta Compton is dope

5 second plot: This is the story of the rise of the legendary hip-hop group NWA in the 1980's and everything that came with it.

5 second review: Good sound, good performances and it seems that no-one's career was harmed in the making of the film. (No-one that matters today anyway.) So I guess it's all good. 

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 7/10

Friday, August 7, 2015

Fantastic Four is not a lot of fun

5 second plot: A team of very smart youngsters builds a machine that enables them to teleport to another dimension. When they take it for a test-spin things go wrong. They end up 'different'. We've got a rock guy, a flexible guy, a torch guy and an invisible girl. And one of them was left behind: that's our villain: Victor Von Doom.

5 second review: I think it's official: everybody hates this movie. Look at that IMDb score. You don't see that very often for a big budget movie. Not everything's bad though. The visuals are pretty good and the superpowers are awesome (we knew that already). But it just feels like a bull-shit origin story, simple as that. I especially didn't believe a word the evil gum chewing government a-hole was mumbling.

IMDb score: 3,9/10
Our score: 5/10

Cop Car takes it slow

5 second plot: Two bored kids find a seemingly abandoned cop car and decide to take it for a spin. The car belongs to the sheriff. He was just getting rid of two bodies. One of the bodies is still in the trunk. He really wants his car back.

5 second review: Not very much happens in this movie. There's not a lot of story to be told, so it goes very slow. The little bit of action we do get to see is pretty decent and Kevin Bacon is very convincing as the crooked sheriff.

IMDb score: 6,3/10
Our score: 5/10

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Star Trek: Renegades is unwatchable

5 second plot: It's 2388. Someone is destroying dilithium crystal mining facilities and that's bad news for The Federation. They have an idea who's behind the attacks. Voyager's former security officer, Tuvok, puts together a crew to go after them.

5 second review: The budget was clearly too low for a movie like this. It is simply unwatchable. If you like movies like Sharknado, you might like this as well (we've even got some familiar faces from back in the day popping up) but if you're expecting a decent Star Trek movie, you're going to be very disappointed.

IMDb score: 5/10
Our score: 0/10