Friday, August 26, 2016

Don't Breathe is pretty brutal

5 second plot: Three young thugs try to rob a blind army veteran. He is not too happy about this and the three youngsters become trapped in his house while he hunts them down.

5 second review: It's a brutal and tense horror film with some great twists and turns. It might take a little bit too long for it to really get going, but when shit hits the fan... hold on to your seat. It's like a nightmare that won't end.

IMDb score: 7,4/10
Our score: 7/10

Blood Father is no good

5 second plot: Mel Gibson's missing daughter accidentally shoots her boyfriend. His buddies want her dead. So she contacts her father for help. He's an ex-alcoholic ex-con who tries to stay out of trouble. It seems like that's not going to happen.

5 second review: MG is getting too old for this shit. When he gets angry it looks like he's going to have a heart attack. Catching his breath like he ran a marathon. I thought this was going to be a cool movie (the title is pretty cool). But it's not. It's mostly talking about how sorry they are for things they did.

IMDb score: 6,6/10
Our score: 1/10

Hell or High Water is heavy shit

5 second plot: Two brothers start robbing local banks in Texas. They need the money to save their family's ranch. An old school Ranger is on their tail.

5 second review: Man, was I glad this movie was over. Not that it's bad, it's actually quite good, but it's so sad and heavy, it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. There's sad music playing the entire time (violins and everything). And everyone is acting like there is a ton of lead in their shoes. But the story is actually not that sad. Confused yet? So was I.

IMDb score: 8/10
Our score: 5/10

Monday, August 22, 2016

Mechanic: Resurrection is not going to win a lot of prizes

5 second plot: The Stath has to kill three bad guys or a super-bad guy kills his girlfriend (who he met yesterday). And he has to make the kills look like accidents.

5 second review: They won't be winning any prizes for best screenplay or most coherent story for this one. The stuff they came up with to make this mess a little bit comprehensible is ludicrous. Thank god Indestructible Stath and Gorgeous Jessica are in this. Or I would have been pissed off for having to sit through it.

IMDb score: 5,9/10
Our score: 4/10

Friday, August 19, 2016

Ben-Hur is a bit silly

5 second plot: The story is set in the time Jesus lived (the real one, not the one from The Walking Dead). Two men who grew up as brothers, find themselves on opposite sides when the world around them changes.

5 second review: I wonder how in earth I made it to the end of this movie. It must be a little bit entertaining at just the right intervals. But you won't miss a thing if you just skip the entire thing. It's a bit silly how they tried to stick to the original script. A lot has changed in 57 years.

IMDb score: 5,7/10
Our score: 3/10

Jean-Claude Van Johnson is an awesome title

5 second plot: JCVD comes out of retirement to take up his job as secret agent JCV Johnson. He has to help track down a big drug shipment. Or something like that. But what he really wants is the love of his life back. She's also working on the same assignment he is.

5 second review: It's a lot of fun to watch JC do old school action moves and take a piss out of himself. But I don't know if I want to see more than this 30 minute sort-of pilot. I think it will become too much of the same very quickly.

IMDb score: 8,2/10
Our score: 7,5/10

Friday, August 12, 2016

Sausage Party is definitely not for kids

5 second plot: Every vegetable, sausage, bun, cornflakes,... in the supermarket thinks it's going to 'the great beyond' once they get out the door. A sausage figures out the truth. You know, that they are getting whacked.

5 second review: Do not take your kids to this movie. Otherwise you are going to have a lot of explaining to do. It's foul-mouthed, raunchy and filled with nice and sweet groceries that are getting gruesomely killed. It's almost unbelievable that a movie like this can get greenlit. And that's what I like most about it.

IMDb score: 6,7/10
Our score: 7/10

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

War Dogs is the shit

5 second plot: Two guys in their twenties score million dollar arms deals with the US government by supplying them with (lots of) guns and ammo for the war in Irak and Afghanistan.

5 second review: Based on a true story. You've got to be shitting me. The things they do is definitely not okay, but it's also seriously awesome. It might not have been this cool in real life, but this ice pissing, snow shitting coolness really works for the movie. That was the best way to play it.

IMDb score: 7,2/10
Our score: 9/10

Monday, August 1, 2016

In the Deep is (not) good for your blood pressure

5 second plot: Two sisters go shark-watching (huge great white ones) in a cage. But the cable attached to the cage snaps and they end up on the bottom of the ocean. The only way up is a slow ascend while trying not to get eaten.

5 second review: If you're claustrophobic (even a little bit) I would advise against watching this movie. Because you are going to hold your breath 90% of the time. It's very tense. And they are in a cage. Deep under water. With sharks swimming above their heads. For me personally it was a bit too much of the same. But I did hold my breath 85% of the time.

IMDb score: not yet rated
Our score: 6/10

Suicide Squad is a big bummer

5 second plot: The government hires (well, 'enslaves' actually) a group of superpowered criminals as a last line of defense.

5 second review: Jesus what a bummer. The trailers were cool. The movie is not. Some of the characters are okay (Enchantress and her bro), but the story, the action, the humor,... is terrible. Everything that happens in the movie happens for a reason that doesn't have anything to do with the movie. For instance: the fact that Deadshot doesn't wear his mask. This is simply done to show as much of Will Smith's face as possible. Because his face sells tickets. And the plot hole loops are ludicrous. At one point in the middle of an action sequence a soldier pulls out letters written by Deadshot's daughter. Why did he bring the pack of letters to the fight? Did he leave his extra AK47 clip at home to be able to bring them? If I start asking myself questions like that mid-movie, I know I'm going to be pissed off.

IMDb score: 6,8/10
Our score: 2/10