Sunday, September 24, 2017

Star Trek: Discovery Season 1 Episode 1: The Vulcan Hello

5 second plot: On a mission to figure out what went wrong with a communication beacon the U.S.S. Shenzou has a run in with an unidentified object. Spoiler alert: it's a Klingon warship ready for action.

5 second review: The visuals are good and the Klingons are cool but everything else is pretty weak. It already starts with the opening credits. It's all a big bummer. The dialogue is so silly, even the actors don't believe what they are saying. And this first episode ends in a cliff hanger, can you believe it.

IMDb score: 7,3/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, September 10, 2017

The Orville Season 1 Episode 1: Old Wounds

5 second plot: In the year 2419 Ed Mercer is promoted to captain of the ship The Orville. He is not too happy with his ex-wife being assigned as his First Officer. One their first mission they run into the Krill, a dangerous enemy.

5 second review: I loved the trailer of this first episode. But if you've seen the trailer, you've seen the best parts. Literally all the good jokes are already in the trailer. The rest of the episode is actually quite terrible. The crew explains everything that is going to happen in great detail. They're telling it to each other but you know that they are talking to you, the stupid viewer.

IMDb score: 7,3/10
Our score: 3/10
Our score for the trailer: 9,5/10

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

It is scary fun

5 second plot: It's not easy being a kid in Derry in 1988-89. Either you get beaten up by the local bullies, have horrible nightmares/visions or get chased by an evil clown that wants to eat you alive. Enter 'The Losers'. They are tired of being scared and decide to put an end to It.

5 second review: This is like a fucked up horror version of The Goonies. The kids are perfectly cast, the horror is great (don't worry about kids being involved, no-one's holding back here), it's funny as shit and scary as hell. I will be dreaming of this fucking clown for a very long time.

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 9/10

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 7: The Dragon and the Wolf (season finale)

5 second plot: Daenerys and friends show the zombie to Cersei and friends. Sansa and Arya's conflict reaches a boiling point. We find out who Jon really is (it's even more complicated than we first thought). The dead arrive at the wall.

5 second review: It's great to see old friends and foes meet. It's a good thing Bron is there to take the edge off (a little bit). I love the way Ned Stark's legacy is still very much alive. He is still the coolest man in GoT. This episode is unreal. I don't think I've ever in my life seen an episode of a TV show this good. And now we wait...

IMDb score: 9,7/10
Our score: 10/10

Friday, August 25, 2017

Death Note is actually pretty good

5 second plot: One day a book falls out of the sky. If you write someone's name in it, this person will die. Light (that's the name of the kid that finds the book) tries to do the right thing by writing down the names of evil men (and women?) but he takes his good intentions too far.

5 second review: I was not expecting to be positively surprised by this movie. Nat Wolff (Light, the lead character) has got a natural flair that makes this movie work. It's also not too serious, thank you very much. And Willem Dafoe is perfect as the voice of the evil demon that comes along with the book.

IMDb score: 4,7/10
Our score: 8/10

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: Beyond the Wall

5 second plot: Jon and his band of brothers find the army of the dead. They are able to catch one of them, but at a great cost.  Aria confronts Sansa with something she did a long time ago. She doesn't seem to realize that Littlefinger is playing her.

5 second review: There's a lot of talking and butt-kissing first to get to the spectacular stuff. But it's worth the wait. I don't like where they are going with Aria in the story. I hope she's not as stupid as they are trying to make us believe.

IMDb score: 9,7/10
Our score: 9/10

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Science Fiction Volume One: The Osiris Child is nothing new

5 second plot: There's been an outbreak of self-bred killer monsters on a colonized planet (we're in the future by the way). A military man has got somewhat less than 24 hours to save his family before the planet is destroyed (as a containment precaution).

5 second review: The sci-fi stuff is not bad for a low budget movie. The big set pieces are filmed from a distance or in a bit of a blur, but that's still okay. Some things weren't given enough thought though. Like prison guards with very impractical armor (it had to be cool, not practical, I guess). There's nothing new, nothing original, so why waste your time creating a small budget movie like this? There's no added value.

IMDb score: 5,9/10
Our score: 2/10

Friday, August 18, 2017

The Hitman's Bodyguard is simple fun

5 second plot: Ryan Renolds is a world class bodyguard who has to get Samuel L. Jackson’s world class hit man safely to The Hague to testify against a war criminal.

5 second review: This is a good old fashioned simple uncomplicated team-up action comedy. If ask yourself too many questions while watching this movie it’s very likely you will not make it through it without throwing something at the screen. But if you just go with the flow, you’ll have a great time.

IMDb score: 7,1/10
Our score: 8/10

What Happened to Monday is too much

5 second plot: The world has become overpopulated. To keep this population fed, scientists have found a way to enhance crops. But this resulted in even more kids. So now the government has decided that parents can only have one child. Somehow the seven (identical) Settmans siblings have survived without being noticed. But now one of them has gone missing.

5 second review: The action sequences are good and Noomi Rapace does a fine job portraying seven different people. The future looks like today. Except for the cheap stuff. It was a good idea on paper, but as a movie it's not that interesting. And it's too much of the same, it's too long and the story comes to a full stop too often (and then it's like no-one knows what to do next).

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Eastwatch

5 second plot: Spoilers ahead! Jaime realizes that it's going to be impossible to win the war. Cersei won't hear of it. Jon wants to show Cersei a zombie to convince her to leave Daenerys alone for a bit so she can help him fight the dead. Tyrion secretly meets with Jaime to talk about it. Jon teams up with a magnificent band of heroes and misfits to go snatch the zombie.

5 second review: There's no big battle in this episode. I was kind of getting used to it. Jon's team has got The Hound in it, the bastard son of king Baratheon, Jorah and the leader of the wildlings. Now that's a team-up! I was thinking about the meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. How did they arrange that? They don't have phones so how in the world did he ring that in?

IMDb score: 9,2/10
Our score: 9/10

Friday, August 11, 2017

Annabelle: Creation delivers

5 second plot: This is the origin story of the doll Annabelle and the evil that comes along with her/it. A group of orphanages are on the receiving end of her wrath when they come live in her house. It takes them a bit to realize what they got themselves into.

5 second review: They were not kidding with the title. It's a good origin story and it connects nicely with the first movie. It is a bit dark and heavy (not much fun) but this darkness combined with some very scary moments and a touch of gore, makes it a pretty decent horror movie. Special kudos to the sound effects.

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 7/10

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: The Spoils of War 

5 second plot: Spoilers ahead! Cersei regains the trust of the Iron Bank. Aria comes home. Daenerys and Jon are starting to get along but she still wants him to bend the knee. When Daenerys finds out that she is losing the war, she decides to take matters into her own hands. In other words: Jamie and Bronn are screwed.

5 second review: Well girl, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself, I guess. The way the tension builds up to this episode's battle is awesome. It felt like the Jurassic Parc T-Rex build-up. The production value (battles, dragons, fire, explosions,...) is amazing for a TV show. They were not kidding when they said this season would be BIG.

IMDb score: 9,9/10
Our score: 10/10

Friday, August 4, 2017

The Dark Tower is not as epic as expected

5 second plot: A tower (a dark one) stands in the middle of the universe. It keeps evil things out of our world (and other worlds). A child's mind can destroy it. Evil dude Walter is kidnapping kids from all over the world to try and take it down. Enter Jake, the kid that can probably destroy it. And Roland, the gunslinger that will do anything to prevent that from happening.

5 second review: It's good, but I was expecting a 2,5 hour epic movie and this is just a tiny part of that. Which makes it feel incomplete or more like an episode of a TV show. Matthew McConaughey is on a roll though as the evil Man in Black. The visuals are good except for a run-in with a weird creature half way through the movie.

IMDb score: 6/10
Our score: 7/10

Message from the King is brutal

5 second plot: Jacob came from South Africa to Los Angeles to find his missing sister. But he is too late, she has been murdered. Jacob starts looking for the men responsible.

5 second review: This is a brutal revenge tale, but it's not slick or cool revenge, it's pure dramatic rage. Overall it's a decent movie with a very strong performance by Chadwick Boseman but there are a couple of false notes, like the strange relationship between Jacob and his neighbor.

IMDb score: 6,3/10
Our score: 7/10

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3: The Queen's Justice 

5 second plot: Spoilers ahoy! Jon shits his pants when he meets Daenerys' dragons. The mother of dragons is not buying his story about the living dead. Bran makes it back to Winterfell. Cersei avenges her daughter's death. And seems to be outwitting her brother in the strategies of war.

5 second review: This is a very interesting episode. It feels like watching a Rocky movie: first the good guys get punched in the face (a lot) and just when you think they are going to stay down, they're going to start throwing killer punches. Or at least: that's what I think will happen. For now, they are just getting punched in the face. A lot.

IMDb score: 9,4/10
Our score: 9,5/10

Friday, July 28, 2017

The Emoji Movie is simple fun

5 second plot: An emoji scheduled to be deleted does not accept his fate and goes rogue.

5 second review: It's very extremely simple fun for (small) children. I don't think I have ever seen an IMDb score this low.

IMDb score: 1,7/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2: Stormborn

5 second plot: Melisandre pays Daenerys a visit. And informs her of the existence of one Jon Snow. Cersei is still trying to find allies. Sam tries to cure Jorah. Tyrion lays out his attack strategy. Not everything goes as planned. A premature battle is fought at sea.

5 second review: This episode has it all: it's cool, sexy, action packed, nasty (stomach turning), filled with visual goodies and it has an awesome blood gushing battle.

IMDb score: 9,2/10
Our score: 10/10

Monday, July 17, 2017

London Heist is a bit heavy

5 second plot: Jack is a tough criminal who specializes in armed robberies. When his dad is murdered and his retirement money disappears, Jack is determined to find and punish the men responsible.

5 second review: This is a very cool gangster movie with an awesome bad-ass hero (on the wrong side of the law but we're still rooting for him). But it's a bit heavy on drama for my taste. A movie like this should be more fun, unless it's a true story.

IMDb score: 5,4/10
Our score: 6/10

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is very elaborate

5 second plot: Valerian and Laureline are two agents of the cosmos (I'm not sure if that's the right description, but something like that.) who get sucked into a whole lot of action after they retrieve a very special item on their last mission.

5 second review: I thought I would be complaining about the overload of worlds, creatures and computer graphics and although it does get 'cartoony' from time to time it didn't bother me at all. On the contrary. It's a work of love and you can feel it throughout the movie. The amount of detail is extraordinary. What I loved the most is the chemistry between the main characters. It's a perfect team-up.

IMDb score: 6,7/10
Our score: 8/10

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: Dragonstone

5 second plot: Spoiler alert! Arya kills every last one of the fuckers that helped slaughter her family at the red wedding. Now she's on her way to kill the queen. The zombie army is coming. Jon is organizing the defense of the wall together with Sansa. Bran arrives at the wall. Cersei is trying to figure out what crazy thing to do next. The Dragon Queen is home at last.

5 second review: They are not wasting any time: let's get crackin'! It's turning into a good old fashion fight of good against evil. We don't just get to see zombies in this episode but GIANT zombies! How cool is that? The Hound is hilarious. The Ed Sheeran cameo is NOT. But it's not terrible. Just stupid.

IMDb score: 9/10
Our score: 9,5/10

Friday, July 14, 2017

The Big Sick is not very entertaining

5 second plot: Kumail, a stand-up comedian, falls in love with Emily. He is from Pakistan and she is not. So it's kind of a forbidden relationship. This leads to them breaking up. Not long after they break up, she ends up in a coma. He stays by her side, but this is pretty awkward since her parents -who he never met - are also there and they know they broke up.

5 second review: It's more about romance and about human relationships than it is about comedy. It's funny from time to time but it's not the main focus. It's a very personal story (literally) for Kumail Nanjiani so I guess he had to tell it the way it really happened. The premise is very special, but the story is not entertaining enough to fill a 2 hour movie. Or maybe it just isn't my thing. I loved the ending though.

IMDb score: 7,8/10
Our score: 5/10

Friday, June 30, 2017

The House is crazy

5 second plot: When the mayor decides to cancel their daughter's scholarship in favor of a town pool, Scott and Kate have to find a way to come up with a lot of money. Fast. Together with their friend Frank they start an illegal casino in his house. And everyone knows the house always wins.

5 second review: It's like one big crazy Saturday Night Live sketch. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense and lots of things don't add up, but it's funny, if you're into this crazy kind of comedy.

IMDb score: 5,5/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Spider-Man: Homecoming is fun

5 second plot: This time it's not Spider-Man: the Origin Story but Spider-Man: in School. He's a kid (15 years old) waiting (desperately) for a call from Iron Man to assemble. In the meantime he uses his cool suit to keep the neighborhood friendly. But when the Vulture, an alien tech weapons dealer, crosses his path, the bar gets raised.

5 second review: It's a fun movie, with great visual effects and Tom Holland is a very good teenage Spider-Man. But why is Iron Man constantly crashing the party? Spider-Man is a self-made dude, not Iron Man's bitch.

IMDb score: 7,9/10
Our score: 8/10

Baby Driver rules

5 second plot: Baby is a getaway driver. He's very young, but he's the best in the business. He doesn't want to be a criminal, but he can't seem to get out. When he falls in love, things get complicated.

5 second review: It doesn't happen very often that you get to see a movie so cool and slick that you want to watch it again right after you saw it. This is one of those movies. Jamie Foxx's character is the only false note, everything else is film fan heaven.

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 9,5/10

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Transformers: The Last Knight is nuts

5 second plot: Humans and Transformers have to work together once again to save the world. Marky Mark gets insider information from Anthony Hopkins on the secret history of the Transformers. It appears that they were already here in the time of King Arthur. And that they saved our butts more times than we can count.

5 second review: What can I say that hasn't been said already about Michael Bay's movies? It's a big incomprehensible action extravaganza. I was already confused beyond repair after 10 minutes. But it's a cool slick (chaotic) action movie filled with robots, chases and explosions. So if you're into that: go for it.

IMDb score: 5,2/10
Our score: 3/10