Sunday, August 20, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 6: Beyond the Wall

5 second plot: Jon and his band of brothers find the army of the dead. They are able to catch one of them, but at a great cost.  Aria confronts Sansa with something she did a long time ago. She doesn't seem to realize that Littlefinger is playing her.

5 second review: There's a lot of talking and butt-kissing first to get to the spectacular stuff. But it's worth the wait. I don't like where they are going with Aria in the story. I hope she's not as stupid as they are trying to make us believe.

IMDb score: 9,7/10
Our score: 9/10

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Science Fiction Volume One: The Osiris Child is nothing new

5 second plot: There's been an outbreak of self-bred killer monsters on a colonized planet (we're in the future by the way). A military man has got somewhat less than 24 hours to save his family before the planet is destroyed (as a containment precaution).

5 second review: The sci-fi stuff is not bad for a low budget movie. The big set pieces are filmed from a distance or in a bit of a blur, but that's still okay. Some things weren't given enough thought though. Like prison guards with very impractical armor (it had to be cool, not practical, I guess). There's nothing new, nothing original, so why waste your time creating a small budget movie like this? There's no added value.

IMDb score: 5,9/10
Our score: 2/10

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 5: Eastwatch

5 second plot: Spoilers ahead! Jaime realizes that it's going to be impossible to win the war. Cersei won't hear of it. Jon wants to show Cersei a zombie to convince her to leave Daenerys alone for a bit so she can help him fight the dead. Tyrion secretly meets with Jaime to talk about it. Jon teams up with a magnificent band of heroes and misfits to go snatch the zombie.

5 second review: There's no big battle in this episode. I was kind of getting used to it. Jon's team has got The Hound in it, the bastard son of king Baratheon, Jorah and the leader of the wildlings. Now that's a team-up! I was thinking about the meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. How did they arrange that? They don't have phones so how in the world did he ring that in?

IMDb score: 9,2/10
Our score: 9/10

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4: The Spoils of War 

5 second plot: Spoilers ahead! Cersei regains the trust of the Iron Bank. Aria comes home. Daenerys and Jon are starting to get along but she still wants him to bend the knee. When Daenerys finds out that she is losing the war, she decides to take matters into her own hands. In other words: Jamie and Bronn are screwed.

5 second review: Well girl, if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself, I guess. The way the tension builds up to this episode's battle is awesome. It felt like the Jurassic Parc T-Rex build-up. The production value (battles, dragons, fire, explosions,...) is amazing for a TV show. They were not kidding when they said this season would be BIG.

IMDb score: 9,9/10
Our score: 10/10

Friday, August 4, 2017

Message from the King is brutal

5 second plot: Jacob came from South Africa to Los Angeles to find his missing sister. But he is too late, she has been murdered. Jacob starts looking for the men responsible.

5 second review: This is a brutal revenge tale, but it's not slick or cool revenge, it's pure dramatic rage. Overall it's a decent movie with a very strong performance by Chadwick Boseman but there are a couple of false notes, like the strange relationship between Jacob and his neighbor.

IMDb score: 6,3/10
Our score: 7/10

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 3: The Queen's Justice 

5 second plot: Spoilers ahoy! Jon shits his pants when he meets Daenerys' dragons. The mother of dragons is not buying his story about the living dead. Bran makes it back to Winterfell. Cersei avenges her daughter's death. And seems to be outwitting her brother in the strategies of war.

5 second review: This is a very interesting episode. It feels like watching a Rocky movie: first the good guys get punched in the face (a lot) and just when you think they are going to stay down, they're going to start throwing killer punches. Or at least: that's what I think will happen. For now, they are just getting punched in the face. A lot.

IMDb score: 9,4/10
Our score: 9,5/10

Friday, July 28, 2017

The Emoji Movie is simple fun

5 second plot: An emoji scheduled to be deleted does not accept his fate and goes rogue.

5 second review: It's very extremely simple fun for (small) children. I don't think I have ever seen an IMDb score this low.

IMDb score: 1,7/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 2: Stormborn

5 second plot: Melisandre pays Daenerys a visit. And informs her of the existence of one Jon Snow. Cersei is still trying to find allies. Sam tries to cure Jorah. Tyrion lays out his attack strategy. Not everything goes as planned. A premature battle is fought at sea.

5 second review: This episode has it all: it's cool, sexy, action packed, nasty (stomach turning), filled with visual goodies and it has an awesome blood gushing battle.

IMDb score: 9,2/10
Our score: 10/10

Monday, July 17, 2017

London Heist is a bit heavy

5 second plot: Jack is a tough criminal who specializes in armed robberies. When his dad is murdered and his retirement money disappears, Jack is determined to find and punish the men responsible.

5 second review: This is a very cool gangster movie with an awesome bad-ass hero (on the wrong side of the law but we're still rooting for him). But it's a bit heavy on drama for my taste. A movie like this should be more fun, unless it's a true story.

IMDb score: 5,4/10
Our score: 6/10

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is very elaborate

5 second plot: Valerian and Laureline are two agents of the cosmos (I'm not sure if that's the right description, but something like that.) who get sucked into a whole lot of action after they retrieve a very special item on their last mission.

5 second review: I thought I would be complaining about the overload of worlds, creatures and computer graphics and although it does get 'cartoony' from time to time it didn't bother me at all. On the contrary. It's a work of love and you can feel it throughout the movie. The amount of detail is extraordinary. What I loved the most is the chemistry between the main characters. It's a perfect team-up.

IMDb score: 6,7/10
Our score: 8/10

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1: Dragonstone

5 second plot: Spoiler alert! Arya kills every last one of the fuckers that helped slaughter her family at the red wedding. Now she's on her way to kill the queen. The zombie army is coming. Jon is organizing the defense of the wall together with Sansa. Bran arrives at the wall. Cersei is trying to figure out what crazy thing to do next. The Dragon Queen is home at last.

5 second review: They are not wasting any time: let's get crackin'! It's turning into a good old fashion fight of good against evil. We don't just get to see zombies in this episode but GIANT zombies! How cool is that? The Hound is hilarious. The Ed Sheeran cameo is NOT. But it's not terrible. Just stupid.

IMDb score: 9/10
Our score: 9,5/10

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Spider-Man: Homecoming is fun

5 second plot: This time it's not Spider-Man: the Origin Story but Spider-Man: in School. He's a kid (15 years old) waiting (desperately) for a call from Iron Man to assemble. In the meantime he uses his cool suit to keep the neighborhood friendly. But when the Vulture, an alien tech weapons dealer, crosses his path, the bar gets raised.

5 second review: It's a fun movie, with great visual effects and Tom Holland is a very good teenage Spider-Man. But why is Iron Man constantly crashing the party? Spider-Man is a self-made dude, not Iron Man's bitch.

IMDb score: 7,9/10
Our score: 8/10

Sunday, June 18, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 8: Come to Jesus 

5 second plot: Wednesday is still looking for Gods to fight on his side. At the end of this episode he seems to get what he wants. Laura and Mad Sweeney catch up with Shadow. Laura finds out her death was part of an elaborate plan.

5 second review: Finally we get a couple of answers. But I think this is the last episode of this season. So I'm wondering: what the fuck have I been wasting my time watching this shit? Especially this episode looks like a goddamn music video. It's style over content. To hide the fact that there doesn't seem to be any content. But the 9,1 score on the IMDb has just shut me up.

IMDb score: 9,1/10
Our score: 5/10

Sunday, June 11, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 7: A Prayer for Mad Sweeney 

5 second plot: As Laura and Mad Sweeney are trying to catch up with Shadow and Wednesday we get a little bit of an origin story of Mad. Set in a different time.

5 second review: This is the kind of episode I would make if I suddenly realized I didn't have enough material to make the number of episodes I promised I would make. It adds little to nothing to the storyline and isn't very interesting.

IMDb score: 8/10
Our score: 5/10

Friday, June 9, 2017

The Mummy is a great adventure

5 second plot: Tom Cruise accidentally wakes up an ancient evil (but quite pretty) mummy and it seems that he is her 'chosen one'. But that means she's going to try to put a dagger in his chest.

5 second review: It's such a fun, mysterious, action packed adventure that it made me think of the original Indiana Jones movies. The effects are great and the mummy is awesome. The story does slow down a little bit too often and it doesn't always make sense (why make it so easy to release her from her prison?) but overall still pretty great.

IMDb score: 5,7/10
Our score: 8,5/10

Sunday, June 4, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 6: A Murder of Gods

5 second plot: Shadow's (still dead) wife, the taxi driver and Mad Sweeney go on a road trip. The original plan is to go in Shadow's direction, but somehow they decide to go somewhere else first. Wednesday tries to find allies (other Gods (I'm just guessing)) for the upcoming war (what war? I don't know). This time he visits an old friend with a big love for guns.

5 second review: Not very much happens in this episode. There are a couple of (quick, but) spectacular deaths. And Mad Sweeney is on a roll. So still enough to make watching this episode worth wile but kick up the pace, pretty please.

IMDb score: 7,8/10
Our score: 7,5/10

Friday, June 2, 2017

The Big Bang Theory Season 10 Episode 13-24 is a perfect mix

5 second plot: Spoiler alert! The guys continue working on their guidance system. But the military ends up screwing them over. Raj can't afford his apartment anymore and temporarily moves in with Penny and Leonard. Bernadette and Howard have a difficult time taking Halley to daycare for the first time. Amy has to leave town for a couple of months. Immediately Sheldon gets hit on by another woman. He takes a drastic decision.

5 second review: I don't know how they do it, but they figured out a secret formula to perfectly mix classic comedy stuff with groundbreaking new craziness. Like Stewart running into Bernadette and Howard's room with a barb wired baseball bat to save them.

IMDb score: 8,3/10
Our score: 8,5/10

Sunday, May 28, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 5: Lemon Scented You

5 second plot: Shadow's got a couple of questions for his dead wife. Their talk is interrupted when Shadow and Wednesday are called for a meeting with Mr. World. Mad Sweeney tries to get his coin back but he's out of luck.

5 second review: What a glorious cast. The story slowly begins to unfold. I'm happy Shadow is there to keep the show grounded and to point out the fact that we're seeing some weird shit.

IMDb score: 8,6/10
Our score: 8,5/10

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Wonder Woman ain't afraid of no accent

5 second plot: It's the origin story of Wonder Woman. From her time as a child and her training to become a warrior to her first big battle in the real world.

5 second review: It feels painfully wrong to set a light (and silly) story in a horrible and serious time period. But I guess: thank God Wonder Woman was there to stop WWI. I hate it when a big budget movie has Germans speaking English with a German accent because they think we're too stupid to read subtitles. Especially when they try very hard to ground the movie in the real world. Speaking of accents: as a child Diana speaks perfect American English, but as she grows older she develops a heavy accent. What's up with that? I'll stop complaining now and end on an important positive note: Gal Gadot is PERFECT as Wonder Woman.

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 8/10

Baywatch is terrible fun

5 second plot: Three new recruits are training to be a Baywatch lifeguard. When the team discovers that a criminal mastermind (actually just a bad Bond villain wannabee) is trying to take over the bay, the training is put on hold.

5 second review: What can I say. It's a whole lot of bullshit. And the shit-pile gets bigger and bigger until it eventually gets too big and collapses under its own weight. But still, I laughed my ass off and actually had a fun time watching it. That says more about me than about the movie.

IMDb score: 5,7/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Sunday, May 21, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 4: Git Gone

5 second plot: It's the origin story of Shadow and his wife. And how she came back from being dead.

5 second review: This is a pretty cool episode. With some pretty interesting ideas about life and death. And body-parts (f)lying around. And blood gushing all over the place. And an awesome display of a guy who gets kicked in the nuts so hard, he splits in half while his spine and skull fly out of the top of his body. If that isn't cool I don't know what is.

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 9,5/10

Friday, May 19, 2017

Alien: Covenant does not hold back

5 second plot: A spaceship carrying lots of sleeping colonists on their way to a new home gets hit by a blast of idontknowwhat. The crew wakes up, repairs the damage and picks up a recording of someone singing a John Denver song. Which is weird because they are the first humans there. So they investigate. Bad move.

5 second review: The horror is very good (critters crawling out of humans galore), the aliens are pretty good too (especially the last one), the science fiction (spaceships) is incredible, but somehow something didn't feel right. I think it's the fact that it's not really about the aliens.

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 7,5/10

Sunday, May 14, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 3: Head Full of Snow 

5 second plot: A woman dies, Shadow gets another chance at life, Wednesday is robbing a bank, Mad Sweeney is out of luck, a guy in New York has sex with his cab driver who's got flames coming out of his eyes.

5 second review: Well that's something you don't see every day: two bearded Arab guys fucking while one of them's got flames coming out of his eye sockets. And I probably missed the whole symbolism point they were trying to make (it seems that when he comes inside this other dude's butt his flame gets passed on? I don't know) because I was to busy thinking: MAKE IT STOOOOOOP!

IMDb score: 8/10
Our score: 9/10

Sunday, April 30, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 1-2 is impressive

5 second plot: Shadow (cool name huh) has just been released from prison. On his way to his wife's funeral (who died in a car crash with his best friend's private parts in her mouth) he is offered a job by Wednesday. A guy who seems to have been around for a while. And who seems to attract the kind of crowd that gets Shadow beaten up all the time.

5 second review: And I forgot about Vikings chopping each utter to pieces (parts flying around the screen) and a woman who 'absorbs' people in her vagina. I shit you not, it's that kind of TV show. Oh, and a buffalo with fire shooting out of his eyes. It's visually impressive but it looks like style over content so I wasn't going to pursue this further than 2 episodes. But goddamned I want to know what happens next.

IMDb score: 8,5/10
Our score: 9/10

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 is lots of fun

5 second plot: The Guardians try to help where they can in the Galaxy. When Rocket does something stupid they get into a whole lot of trouble. Also in this volume: Peter meets his dad. And Baby Groot is growing up and learning from the best.

5 second plot: There isn't much of a story. We're just following the Guardians around as they go about their business. There are a lot more tears and touchy-feely moments in this second volume and that's not really my thing. But there's also much more humor. It's not always smart or sophisticated, but there's something about these characters that make me laugh my ass off. So I had a lot of fun.

IMDb score: 8,3/10
Our score: 8/10