Monday, June 27, 2016

The Legend of Tarzan is a big fire and miss

5 second review: It's not the origin story of Tarzan. He's already a well educated man. Lucky for us he flashes back to his origin here and there to make sure we know what the F happened. Now he has to go back to his old neighborhood to do god knows what. And he brings his lovely wife Jane and Samuel L. Jackson with him.

5 second review: If you want to use historical facts as the central plot of your movie, you should get your facts straight. There was no happy ending for the people of the Congo. It's infuriating how wrong they get this. It's a shameful misrepresentation of what really happened. This is not the only thing that is wrong with the movie. They even manage to screw up the shout. And then make a joke about the fact that they just screwed it up.

IMDb score: 6,7/10
Our score: 1/10

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 10: The Winds of Winter (season finale)

5 second plot: Huge spoilers ahead! Cersei blows up half of the city to get rid of her enemies and crowns herself Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. Jon becomes King in the North. The Dragon Queen is on her way with some new allies and a big ass army. Arya starts her small scale (with big results) revenge. Bran, aka the new Three Eyed Raven arrives at his destination. Oh yeah, and winter is coming.

5 second review: The plot description is just a small summary of the gazillion things that unravel in this season finale. This is - again - a great episode. Game of Thrones is simply THE biggest fan pleasing show in the history of television.

IMDb score: 10/10
Our score: 10/10

Friday, June 24, 2016

The Shallows is pretty cool

5 second plot: Nancy goes surfing in a remote lagoon. She is attacked by a shark and gets stuck on a tiny island that will submerge with high tide. She has to figure out a way to swim to safety without getting eaten. Pronto.

5 second review: First of all: Blake Lively is the perfect choice for a movie like this. Thank you for that dear filmmakers. If you can look past the silly stuff (girl taking on a huge shark) this is a pretty tense, awesome and cool movie.

IMDb score: 6,6/10
Our score: 7/10

Hunt for the Wilderpeople is all about the odd couple

5 second plot: A young boy without a home who always gets himself into trouble is placed with a family that lives in the middle of nowhere. He goes into the bush with his grumpy foster-father and the two become friends and have all sorts of adventures.

5 second review: Julian Dennison and Sam Neill are fantastic. They make an odd but perfect couple. That's the main reason you would want to go see the movie. There's not much else going on. There are some fun jokes and fun crazy characters here and there (the social services woman is a bit much though) but that's about it.

IMDb score: 8,2/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Free State of Jones is a bit overly romanticized

5 second plot: Newton is a 'nurse' in the US Civil War. He doesn't believe in what he's fighting for anymore and deserts. He is hunted down but manages to stay one step ahead. It doesn't take long for him to find a whole bunch of soulmates. Together they fight for justice.

5 second review: There are some very realistic scenes in here that will make you realize what it was like to live in that period in time. It does feel a bit overly romanticized to make it a more comfortable view for a modern audience. I don't know if this guy really was the saint the movie depicts him as, but at least he fought on the side of the good guys. Right?

IMDb score: 6,8/10
Our score: 6/10

Monday, June 20, 2016

Independence Day: Resurgence is as big as it gets

5 second plot: It's been 20 years since the previous movie. The alien fucks are back. And they brought a bigger boat. Humanity used the 20 years to mix the alien technology with their own to create bigger and better weapons. But these better weapons still don't seem to be a match for the humongous ship the aliens came with.

5 second review: It is - of course - super over the top, but you know that already before you decide to go to see this movie. The sci-fi is good and the special effects are very decent. But if you're looking for more than a spectacular show, you're not going to get your money's worth.

IMDb score: 5,5/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 9: Battle of the Bastards

5 second plot: Spoilers ahoy! Daenerys unleashes her dragons and takes back Meereen. The Iron Island folks arrive (the good ones). The two queens get along quite well. Jon and his troops prepare for battle. But that sick fuck Ramsay has got something in store for them. Thank god JS can't die. Almost everyone else does.

5 second review: This is one battle-PACKED episode. My god. It's awesomely tense. First we get the three dragons in full combat action. And then Jon and Ramsay go head to head. And to top it off Sansa gets to make a little victory dance. Too bad almost everyone dies. There's no-one left to celebrate with.

IMDb score: 10/10
Our score: 10/10

Friday, June 17, 2016

Adventures in Babysitting is kids only

5 second plot: Jenny and Lola are two complete opposites who's phones get switched. Lola takes on a babysitting job by answering Jenny's phone. But it's not as easy as she thought it would be. Being that she's babysitting kids from hell. Lola and Jenny end up with a whole bunch of crazy kids in the city having all kinds of adventures.

5 second review: This is a Disney original movie. It's a very innocent, sweet, fun kids movie. It's got a little bit of that Home Alone vibe but it's not quite there yet. It's also totally not like the classic 1987 Adventures in Babysitting (the one with Elisabeth Shue). This 2016 one is really for kids only.

IMDb score: 6,5/10
Our score: 5/10

Monday, June 13, 2016

Outcast Season 1 Episode 2: (I Remember) When She Loved Me

5 second plot: Kyle flashes back again to the events that led to his mom's coma. He kidnaps her from the old folks home to try to snap her out of it. Meanwhile, the town cops investigate some weird animal mutilation shit.

5 second review: This is one of the most boring second episodes I have ever seen in my life. Did they already run out of ideas? That's not possible. Didn't we establish the trauma already in the previous episode? Well, I'll look at it on the bright side: that's one show less to follow.

IMDb score: 8,2/10
Our score: 1/10

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 8: No One

5 second plot: Arya gets help from the woman she tried to kill. The Hound unleashes his anger. Varys goes on an expedition, a little bit later the city is under attack (while Tyrion is telling jokes and drinking wine). Cersei's bodyguard comes into action. Jamie wants to go back to Cersei so he plays it smart and cuts the siege short.

5 second review: Spoilers ahead! Lots and lots of cool action this episode. Cersei's bodyguard pulls someone's head off, the Hound axes the shit out of the a-holes that killed his friend and Arya is chased by a very determined nameless girl. Who also loses her head.

IMDb score: 8,5/10
Our score: 9/10

Friday, June 10, 2016

Warcraft is pretty dramatic

5 second plot: A horde of big ass orcs (yes, a little bit like the LOTR orcs, but more muscular) needs a new home (their old one is dead). They use magic to open up a portal to a new world. But the humans that live there are not going to give up their world without a fight.

5 second review: I was very surprised that this is not a terrible movie. You have to be into magic (green and blue one), orcs, oversized animals and an overkill of CGI, but if you're down with that, you're probably going to like this one. It's pretty spectacular. One note though: it's also quite dramatic (lots of emotions). I was definitely not expecting that. And - big spoiler alert - the ending sucks.

IMDb score: 7,4/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Central Intelligence is funny shit

5 second plot: Days before his 20 year high school reunion Calvin gets a Facebook friend-request from Bob. He hasn't seen him since high school. Bob changed from a kid that was laughed at to... well... The Rock. Bob is a CIA agent that has gone rogue to catch a high profile criminal and save the free world. And he needs Calvin's help.

5 second review: If you're a fan of the little Hart and/or the big Johnson (it's on the poster man, I'm not making this up) you're going to love the movie. I know I did. But you have to make it through a boring 30 minute set-up to get to the good stuff.

IMDb score: 6,6/10
Our score: 8/10

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Lights Out is nightmare heaven

5 second plot: A family is pursued by a powerful evil entity that can only move around in the dark. If they want to destroy it, they will first have to figure out where it came from. And what it wants. And not get killed in the process.

5 second review: If you need some extra fuel for your nightmares: look no further. A scary creature that you only see if you turn off the light and that disappears when you turn it on? BOO! And this thing comes closer every time you switch the lights off. I almost jump scared myself right out of my chair.

IMDb score: 6,6/10
Our score: 8/10

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Conjuring 2 goes visual

5 second plot: The Warrens travel to England to help an 11-year old girl and her family who got stuck with an evil spirit. This is the true story of the 1977 Enfield haunting.

5 second review: If you were looking for a scary bedtime ghost story, look no further. This is about as scary as a haunted house movie can get. The difference with other ghost movies is that we get to see them a lot in this one. Showing the creepy fuckers a lot isn't always a smart move, but it definitely works here.

IMDb score: 7,7/10
Our score: 9/10

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 7: The Broken Man

5 second plot: The Hound is alive. And it looks like he's finally found some peace. Not. The High Sparrow tells the queen to give it to the king (yes, IT). Pronto. The Freefolk will fight at Jon's side. He and Sansa search for more allegiances. Jamie takes command of a castle siege. Theon and his sis are on their way to the dragon queen. But. Important things first: getting laid.

5 second review: This High Sparrow a-hole is going to get it big-time. I'm looking forward to it. Not a lot of action this episode, but good talks, nice strategies and very promising. I think we're going to get ourselves some wins now.

IMDb score: 8,6/10
Our score: 8/10

Friday, June 3, 2016

Approaching the Unknown is mega boring

5 second plot: Captain Stanaforth develops a machine that can turn dry sand into water. He is taking this new technique to Mars. He will be the first human to set foot there, but the idea is to send a lot more people and start colonizing the planet.

5 second review: This movie is so boring, it was impossible for me to sympathize with the main character. Because I kept thinking that it was far worse for me to have to sit through the movie than to take a 270 day solo trip to Mars.

IMDb score: 4,8/10
Our score: 0/10