Sunday, May 31, 2015

Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 8: Hardhome

5 second plot: Tyrion pleads his case to Daenerys. Cersei is still in prison, getting angrier by the minute. Arya gets a first assignment. Sansa finds out that her brothers are still alive. The Boltons prepare for battle. Ramsay's got a plan. Jon meets the rest of the wildlings. And shit hits the fan really hard in wildlingtown.

5 second review: Just as I was starting to wonder 'where the fuck are them white walkers?'... Well, here they are. It's like a zombie apocalypse. Awesome fights and very cool creatures. And it has only just begun. This is one of those must see episodes.

IMDb score: 9,9/10
Our score: 10/10

Friday, May 29, 2015

Survivor is too clumsy

5 second plot: In London's US embassy an employee's terrorist radar goes up when a chemical specialist applies for a visa. The terrorists don't fuck around so Pierce Brosnan is assigned to take the employee out. Pierce blows up half of London but misses his target. So now she's on the run and the rest of the cast is looking for her.

5 second review: This is what they called a straight to video movie back in the day. And I've seen too many of these lately to keep my cool. I don't think it was supposed to be this big of a mess. It's so clumsy that it got on my nerves. But it's weird because it's got some very decent actors in it. Doing a fine job. And the bombs are cool, I've got to give them that.

IMDb score: 5,4/10
Our score: 2/10

Results is dull

5 second plot: A bored and depressed rich guy wants to get in shape. So he hires a personal fitness trainer. And then he falls in love with her. And then things get weirdly complicated.

5 second review: What are all these familiar faces doing in a weird (not good weird) movie like this? I don't get it. How was this movie pitched to them? The story is totally not interesting or funny. I don't see the point of making a movie like this. It's like they were trying to accomplish something but forgot halfway through what it was.

IMDb score: 5,9/10
Our score: 1/10

San Andreas is pretty awesome

5 second plot: When the mother of all earthquakes hits California rescue chopper pilot Ray has to give it all he's got to save his wife and daughter.

5 second review: Of course it's not realistic and of course the dramatic set-up is simple. This is all about the action. And the action is pretty awesome. The effects are spectacular and the cast does a great job convincing us that they are really seeing what we are seeing. I totally believed it. Well, maybe not totally. But I was definitely rooting for the cast to survive (millions probably died, but this movie wasn't about them, was it?).

IMDb score: 6,5/10
Our score: 7/10

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Kung Fury is my new favorite movie

5 second plot: Get this. In 1985 Miami Kung Fury is the best cop in the world who got super kung-fu powers when he was hit by lightning and bit by a cobra. Now he's going back in time to kill kung fuhrer Hitler. But first he has to fight laser raptors as he goes too far back in time.

5 second review: This movie is so awesome, I didn't know where to look first. I just know I'm going to watch it over and over again. The running time of half an hour is perfect. This is my new favorite movie of all time. It's glorious.

IMDb score: 8,2/10
Our score: 10/10

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Aloha is a mess

5 second plot: After getting hurt bad in action in Afghanistan, Brian is trying to get his professional life back on track working for a rich guy in the military/space private sector. His first assignment is to go to Hawaii and help smooth some things over with the local community. But this means having to confront some painful things from his past.

5 second review: I couldn't make head or tail of this movie. A romantic comedy should not be this difficult. It's a great cast (Alec Baldwin and John Krasinski are the scene stealers) but the story is a very big mess. It's like there was an accident in the editing room and everything got mixed up and they couldn't figure it out anymore and just said: what the hell, let's just hope no-one will notice.

IMDb score: 5,5/10
Our score: 5/10

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 7: The Gift

5 second plot: Jon releases the wildlings and will go with them. Sansa needs help. The maester of Castle Black dies. Stannis will have to make a big sacrifice if he wants his army to make it to the fight. Grandma Tyrell talks with the High Sparrow. The queen and the brother are still in prison. Jaime came to Dawn for nothing. Bronn underestimated his opponents. Littlefinger continues to set up his little plan. Jorah and Tyrion get to the queen. Cersei's plan backfires.

5 second review: Two things I really hate in GoT lately: fucking Ramsay and this goddamn religious cult. At least Ramsay delivers some spectacular images. I loved seeing a wolf again. As the story-line unfolds it becomes more and more complex. It's starting to feel like they're going to take a wrong turn here and there. But all things considered: this is an awesome show.

IMDb score: 9,3/10
Our score: 9/10

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Supergirl Season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

5 second plot: Supergirl was sent after Superman (to protect him) but got stuck somewhere in space. So she arrived on earth some 20 years later. She grew up in a normal family and is now working at a media company. One day her earth-sister's plane crashes and she has to dust off her super-skills to save her.

5 second review: Oh man, wow, what a disappointment. The special effects are really bad. She has to battle alien baddies while she should have fun a bit saving humans first. The show looks and feels like the 1978 Superman movie. I thought we were past that. If it weren't for the super fun, cute and sweet Supergirl herself, I wouldn't have made it to the end of the pilot.

IMDb score: not yet scored on posting date
Our score: 2/10

Friday, May 22, 2015

Poltergeist is not very subtle

5 second plot: A family moves to a new house that was built on top of an old cemetery. The minute they move in the ghosts of all the dead people that are buried there manifest themselves. And they are not friendly ghosts.

5 second review: The cast is good. The references to the original are okay. The original was subtle (kind of), the remake however is one big in your face all out BOO. It's rushed, a bit silly for a present-day audience and the family is just too relaxed when their little girl goes missing. I'm afraid this remake will not be remembered long.

IMDb score: 5,1/10
Our score: 5/10

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Wayward Pines Season 1 Episode 2: Do Not Discuss Your Life Before

5 second plot: Beverly tells Ethan she tried to escape with his now dead colleague. Together they try to find out what's going on and how to get away. But the sheriff's on Ethan's tail and he doesn't like all this poking around. Something's up with time. Beverly is there one year, but she came 15 years ago.

5 second review: I don't know if I've got what it takes to invest my preciousssss time in this weird mystery. I read somewhere that we are going to know what's going on halfway through this first season. I'm counting on that. I do not want another Lost on my hands. I don't like Matt Dillon in this show. It's just not a good fit. Since he's the lead character, that's going to be a problem.

IMDb score: 8,6/10
Our score: 5/10

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 6: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

5 second plot: Arya finds out where they take the corpses. She seems to be ready to start her training. Tyrion and his 'traveling companion' run into slave merchants. Littlefinger has a little chat with Cersei. His plan seems to be coming together. Jaime finds his niece/daughter but he and Bronn run into the Sand Snakes. The Queen is taken into custody by the religious fanatics. Sansa marries Ramsay. The wedding night is not very romantic.

5 second review: I like the fearlessness of everyone in this episode. Arya doesn't hold back, Littlefinger is not intimidated by Cersei, Bronn is singing a song and even Sansa stand her ground (well, not entirely, but she'll get her revenge). The Sand Snakes are a bit dissapointing. I figured they would be awesome fighters. And what's with this religious cult? It's ridiculous.

IMDb score:8,8/10
Our score: 9/10

Friday, May 15, 2015

Slow West is dreamy realism

5 second plot: It's 1870. 16 year old Jay came from Scotland to America to find his love Rose. Lone outlaw Silas offers his services to get him to his destination because there's no chance in the world the kid is going to make it on his own.

5 second review: This is a good old fashioned Western. Tough as nails. America was a dangerous place back in the day. The finale is peculiar but I guess that's just the way shit went down.

IMDb score: 7/10
Our score: 7/10

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Wayward Pines Season 1 Episode 1: Where Paradise Is Home

5 second plot: Ethan is a secret service agent who is looking for two missing agents. He ends up in Wayward Pines. Everyone in this town is acting weird and he can't get a hold of anyone on the outside. And he can't seem to be able to get out of this town. He tries to figure out what's going on and realizes he might be losing his mind.

5 second review: This first episode really sparked my interest for more. I really want to know what in earth this is all about. It feels similar to the way Lost felt the first time I saw it. That makes me a little bit afraid that it will eventually disappoint, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I really like the notion that there might be some time-shifting in play here or something. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. We might be in for a treat.

IMDb score: not yet available on posting date
Our score: 9/10

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 5: Kill the Boy

5 second plot: The Mother of Dragons shows everyone she's really pissed off. The Lord Commander releases the Wildlings and will open the gates for them. Sansa finds out she's got friends in the North. The Boltons realize Stannis is coming their way. Tyrion and his kidnapper run into some trouble.

5 second review: What a relief: an entire episode without Cersei. It's good to take a break from her from time to time. It looked as if miss Targaryen was taking her place violently killing off (possibly) innocent people. The wildlings are awesome. The Walkers are coming. Jon Snow is going to be ready. And I just know Sansa is going to make these fucking Boltons get it. 

IMDb score: 9,1/10
Our score: 9/10

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Tomorrowland does not use its full potential

5 second plot: There's a secret place where all the smartest people flocked together to create everything they could imagine, without all the boundaries of the world we live in. But now they've built something they shouldn't have and they need Casey to come fix it.

5 second review: This is one of those adventure stories that don't come around very often anymore. The action is cool fun but it takes a long time to get started. The story is too little about the wonders of Tomorrowland and too much about the failure of our world.

IMDb score: 6,7/10
Our score: 5,5/10

Friday, May 8, 2015

Hot Pursuit is a bit funny

5 second plot: When a drug lord is arrested policewoman Cooper is assigned to escort the wife of the witness to the court house. The witness is killed and Cooper, who takes her job very serious, tries to keep his wife safe and bring her in. But it seems that everyone is out to kill them.

5 second review: There's some good chemistry between the actors and the slapstick is a bit funny but overall this is a disappointment. Some dialogue is really terrible, it's all too convenient and it's a just too simple.

IMDb score: 4,9/10
Our score: 5/10

Maggie is not about the zombies

5 second plot: A big chunk of the world's population turned into zombies. Wade's daughter Maggie has been bitten as well. There's no cure. He takes her home to be with her the last weeks/days before she transforms.

5 second review: This is not a typical zombie movie. The infection is zombie-ish, but it's not about the infection. It's about a father who's taking care of his deadly sick daughter knowing that the end is near. Needless to say it's very very very sad. (And a bit boring.)

IMDb score: 6/10
Our score: 2/10

The Canal is a quiet little creeper

5 second plot: David is a film archivist who lives with his beautiful wife and son in an old house next to a canal. At work he stumbles upon police film footage from 1902 about a murder that took place in his house. And then very weird and terrible things start to happen.

5 second review: This is a quiet little scary Irish film. It’s not as mysterious as it pretends to be but they did a pretty good job creeping me out. So I guess: well done. 

IMDb score: 5,9/10
Our score: 7/10

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Mad Max: Fury Road is quite the thrill

5 second plot: The world has gone to shit. It's a complete wasteland. Humanity is screwed, basically. Max, Furiosa and a handful of supermodels are on the run from Immortan Joe, who wants his supermodels back. There are cars, we've got explosions and lots of freaky-ass looking people. Oh yeah, and a little bit of hope.

5 second review: I can't wrap my head around the fact that most critics really love this movie. It's not bad, but I don't think it's going to become a classic like the first Mad Max movies. It's a great action movie, but I'm not a big fan of the freak show. The fact that Max can't talk too much was good in the original movies, but not in this one. This puts him on a sideline, which is weird because the movie's got his name in the title.

IMDb score: 8,6/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Spooks: The Greater Good is much ado about nothing

5 second plot: A terrorist leader escapes in London. It was a CIA asset, but he was in an MI5 transport. The MI5 guy responsible for the transfer disappears. So the MI5 brings in Jon Snow to help them find him.

5 second review: There is a terrorist on the loose in London, but the main focus of the movie is a guy trying to save MI5's reputation. While this organisation is led by a bunch of a-holes. Fuck 'em. The only thing I like about this movie is the end sequence. It's actually worth the wait.

IMDb score: 6,3/10
Our score: 5/10

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Game of Thrones Season 5 Episode 4: The Sons of the Harpy

5 second plot: Cersei flexes her muscles and shows the young queen not to mess with her. Littlefinger explains his plan to Sansa. He thinks the North will be hers soon enough. Jaime gets to his destination. And we get to meet Oberyn's killer daughters. Tyrion is kidnapped. The funny thing is: his kidnapper is taking him to where he was already going. The Sons of the Harpy terrorize the neighborhood again.

5 second review: Great stuff as always. But I am starting to wonder when we're going to see some supernatural stuff again. Or one of them big wolves.

IMDb score: 9,1/10
Our score: 9/10

Penny Dreadful Season 2 Episode 1-5

5 second plot:
Ep 1: Vanessa and Ethan are attacked by naked bald scary eye chicks. Afterwards Vanessa loses it, because she knows what's coming for her. The Creature finds a job. The Bride awakens.
Ep 2: The team has an old language meeting. Satan's little helper is making plans to get to Vanessa. Victor's newest creation is a quick learner.
Ep 3: Vanessa  tells Ethan about the time she found out she is a daywalker with a lot of power. She's the one the master seeks above all.
Ep 4: Frankenstein goes dress shopping with Vanessa. Dorian plays a game of ping-pong. The evil witches are closing in on Vanessa. Sir Malcolm tries to solve the demon language puzzle.
Ep 5: Satan's little helpers are making voodoo dolls. The good guys (and girl) prepare for battle, Frankenstein falls in love with the bride. Ethan is questioned by the police. And everyone seems to be having sex.

5 second review: These first 5 episodes are as shocking as they are boring. There should be more action and less talking. The shocks alone won't keep me entertained. And killing a baby might be a little bit too much, by the way. The costumes and sets (with a little help from the visual effect friends) are gorgeous.

IMDb score: 8,2/10
Our score: 6,5/10

Friday, May 1, 2015

We Are Monsters is cruel

5 second plot: A young woman is kidnapped by a group of cruel mass murderers who like to torture their victims before they kill them.

5 second review: This is not a good movie. It's quite terrible. But it does feature some very nasty and nauseating body horror. So if you're into that, you could probably survive the 1 h 14 m running time.

IMDb score: 5/10
Our score: 2/10