Wednesday, September 30, 2015

The Walk is suberb

5 second review: This is the true story of Philippe Petit, a street artist from Paris who had a dream. He wanted to connect a wire between the Twin Towers of New York and walk across that wire from one site to the other.

5 second review: Apart from some unnecessary drama halfway through, this movie is a lot of fun. The planning and execution of this legendary walk almost feels like a cool heist movie. The cinematography and special effects are superb. And it's also a beautiful ode to the memory of the Twin Towers.

IMDb score: 7,5/10
Our score: 8/10

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Man Up is for romantic souls

5 second plot: Jack mistakes Nancy for his blind date Jessica. Nancy doesn't tell him this tiny detail and just goes along with it.

5 second review: This is a very romantic movie, so if you're not a romantic soul, you don't want to go near this one. It's definitely got its memorable funny moments, but there are not a lot of them. There's a lot of talking and it's not always as smart as it should be. So I guess I'm not a big fan here.

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 4/10

Monday, September 28, 2015

Blindspot Season 1 Episode 2: A Stray Howl

5 second plot: Kurt is trying to trigger tattoo girl's memory. She does remember bits and pieces, but they're not very nice memories. The next tattoo clue leads the crew to a former military drone pilot. The minute they ring his doorbell his house explodes. But they can't find his body.

5 second review: I guess we're going to get a different tattoo clue every episode. A bit simple, but fine by me. The action is pretty good, but the mystery is even better. What happened to this woman? And is she related to Kurt? That would be pretty cool. I've got one question though: how many times do you think Jaimie Alexander has been asked if she has a tattoo of her own?

IMDb score: 7,9/10
Our score: 7,5/10

The Big Bang Theory Season 9 Episode 2: The Separation Oscillation

5 second plot: Leonard and Penny get help from their friends to solve their marital problems. Sheldon hasn't given up on Amy. But his perseverance is beginning to back-fire.

5 second review: This episode is not hilariously funny nor awesomely original, but it's still pretty great. It's your typical classic sitcom episode. I'm all game for that.

IMDb score; 7,6/10
Our score; 8,5/10

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Fear the Walking Dead Season 1 Episode 5: Cobalt

5 second plot: Apparently the soldiers are up to something and tough guy Daniel is going to go get medieval on someone’s ass if he doesn’t get answers quickly. Nick is in the detention center and he’s lucky some stranger decided to look out for him. Liza is in the central hospital helping out. Travis convinces the soldiers to take him there but they get overrun by walkers. And Alicia and Chris are having a little bit of fun.

5 second review: This Daniel character is no tough guy. I didn’t believe it for one minute. Which is a big problem because the entire episode relies on me believing it. There was no need for the ridiculous torture. There seem to be a whole lot of zombies in the vicinity of the town but we’re still not seeing any of them (well, just one). 

IMDb score: 8,4/10
Our score: 6/10

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Darling could make you lose it

5 second plot: A young woman moves into an old (possibly haunted) house all by herself and slowly (but surely) loses her shit.

5 second review: This is not for everyone. For starters: it's in black and white. It's slow (not very much happens). It's mostly about one character who's alone in a house. It's got disturbing sounds and images (that flash before your eyes all of a sudden). But I must say I was very intrigued by it. Mostly because it's beautiful but also nuts. It's something you don't see every day.

IMDb score: 5,5/10
Our score: 8/10

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Intern is sweet

5 second plot: Ben is 70 years old and still very active. He applies for an internship at an internet company that sells clothes online. He becomes the personal assistant of the founder of the company, Jules. Ben helps her bring some structure in her extremely chaotic life.

5 second review: This is probably everything you think it is. It's sweet, but super-corny. They even have Robert De Niro cry (for crying out loud). There's one joke in here about him getting a boner that so horribly unfunny it made my toes curl.

IMDb score: 7,3/10
Our score: 4/10

Narcopolis is a pretty but empty box

5 second plot: In the future drugs are legal, affordable and safe. Or so the company producing the drugs makes everyone believe. This company is very powerful and it seems like they're not using their power to do good. Now they've got a cop on their tail who is going to get to the bottom of it.

5 second review: This is like a beautifully wrapped present with a terrible content. It's one of those futuristic movies where they can't show you anything of the outside world because the budget couldn't cut it. It's also totally uninteresting.

IMDb score: 5,8/10
Our score: 0/10

The Green Inferno gets the freak on

5 second plot: A group of inexperienced activists travels to the Amazon to prevent a local tribe from being overrun by bulldozers. But their plane crashes and the survivors end up on the menu of the tribe they tried to save.

5 second review: Eli Roth can do better than this. What happened? The actors look like they don't know what in the world is going on. Luckily it does get better when shit (and loads of blood and guts) really hits the fan.

IMDb score: 5,5/10
Our score: 5/10

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Heroes Reborn Season 1 Episode 1 and 2: Brave New World and Odessa

5 second plot: People with special powers (called evos) are being hunted down and brutally killed. No-one really knows who's doing the hunting. The evos are mostly hiding. Some of them want to fight back but they get themselves killed before they can get organised. The thing is: it seems like the world will need evos to stop something big that is coming.

5 second review: The things I liked: the cool powers, the cast and the mystery. The things I didn't like: solutions that are just too convenient, cold blooded killers that are too likable and the fact that I don't seem to remember anything from the previous Heroes. Didn't the world blow up?

IMDb score: 8,3/10
Our score: 7/10

Pay the Ghost is a bit silly

5 second plot: On Halloween night Nic Cage's son disappears. One year later Nic is still frantically looking for him. All the clues seem to lead to something that is not of this world.

5 second review: There are a handful of memorable moments but overall this is a silly movie that is not as scary as it should be and where not everything seems to add up as it should. But the actors play it straight and that helps a little bit to get through the boring moments (there are quite a few of those).

IMDb score: 5,2/10
Our score: 4/10

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Scream Queens Season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

5 second plot: I'm not sure there really is a plot here. There's a sorority queen. And she's a stuck up bitch. And she doesn't get along with the dean. And some people die a terrible death. And there's a lot of screaming.

5 second review: Jesus, this is stupid. I don't know who the target audience is for this, but it sure as hell isn't me. The dialogue is terrible, the characters are awful and it's all very annoying. But the three gory scenes are pretty nasty, I have to give them that.

IMDb score: 7,7/10
Our score: 1/10

Monday, September 21, 2015

Blindspot Season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

5 second plot: A naked woman steps out of a duffle bag on Times Square. She doesn’t remember who she is and is covered in tattoos. These tattoos appear to be some sort of puzzle. The FBI is on the case. They quickly find out the mystery woman’s got some very helpful skills. That she doesn’t even knows she has.

5 second review: Now this is a pilot that really sparked my interest. It’s very mysterious and I’m really curious to find out what's going on. It looks very decent. I do think that the running time of a movie would have been long enough to tell this story. 

IMDb score: 8,2/10
Our score: 8/10

The Big Bang Theory Season 9 Episode 1: The Matrimonial Momentum

5 second plot: Leonard and Penny get married in Vegas. And then fight over Leonard kissing a girl on his expedition way back when. Sheldon tries to deal with getting dumped. It's not going well.

5 second review: I'm always happy to see these boys and girls again. This is the funniest and most awesome sitcom on TV today. And they are still doing it. But let's not have Penny and Leonard fight too long, shall we?

IMDb score: 7,2/10
Our score: 9/10

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Fear the Walking Dead Season 1 Episode 4: Not Fade Away

5 second plot: The military has put a fence around the town. The people who are inside the fence are safe. When Madison takes a peek outside, she sees a whole bunch of dead people. Not only infected ones. A doctor comes to check up on everyone. The sick get taken to a central location. They will probably not return.

5 second review: This episode focuses on a lot of things that I don’t care about one bit. I don’t care about the flashing light on the other side of the hill, about the son with his drug problem, or about the other son with his stupid camera,… I want walking dead folk. And I didn’t get to see one this episode. Not cool man! The threatening atmosphere is still pretty neat though. These military guys are too cool for school.

IMDb score: 8,4/10
Our score: 7/10

Friday, September 18, 2015

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials is pretty cool

5 second plot: The boys and girl that survived the maze are slowly realizing that there's something off with their saviors. So they get the hell out of dodge to look for the real resistance. But as they say about the scorch: if the elements won't kill you, the cranks will.

5 second review: This one is way better than the first one. The cast looks cooler, the action is nice and tense, the visuals are great and I'm a big sucker for this apocalyptic outside world. Not to mention these creepy fuckers chasing everything with a heartbeat. It's not all peaches and cream but overall this is definitely a job well done.

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 8/10

Black Mass is one hell of a performance

5 second plot: This is the real life story of the rise and fall of Whitey Bulger. Boston's notorious friendly neighbor by day and lunatic crime lord by night. In the '80s he became a big player thanks to a deal he made with the FBI.

5 second review: What an amazing cast and what a brilliant performance by Johnny Depp. He translates this psychotic unpredictability so well to the screen, you truly never know what's going to happen, but you're always expecting the worst. It's a shame the story just focuses on the cool lunatic gangster stuff and doesn't try to dig deeper.

IMDb score: 7,9/10
Our score: 8/10

Cooties should be fun

5 second plot: After a kid eats an infected chicken nugget she gets thirsty for blood and very violent. She starts biting other children and then the virus spreads like wildfire. The teachers are trapped in the school and have to find a way to get out of there.

5 second review: If you're wondering if these grown ups are going to kill some kids? Yes, they are. They even set small children on fire and think that's really cool. It's meant to be a lot of fun, but it isn't. Every grown up is an asshole or a loser. There's no-one to root for. I was rooting for the kids.

IMDb score: 5,8/10
Our score; 3/10

Monday, September 14, 2015

The Hive doesn't cut it

5 second plot: A guy wakes up not feeling very well and looking very nasty (black puss coming out of his body). He can't remember who he is. But then he starts flashing back and decides to try and find a way out of the mess.

5 second review: It's gross and nasty. But it's also part love story. The target audience is mostly horror fans I would say. The way the main character handles his situation doesn't make a lot of sense. The flash-back structure isn't the right tool to tell this story. And I'm just not a big fan of the black puss barfing in each other's mouths.

IMDb score: 5,1/10
Our score: 2/10

Sicario will blow you away

5 second plot: Kate is an FBI team leader working for the kidnap response team. On one mission she stumbles upon a house filled with dead bodies. All killed by a Mexican drug cartel. She gets a chance to be a part of the task force that will bring down the men responsible for this massacre. But no-one told her this task force uses some very unconventional methods to get results.

5 second review: This is one hell of a great crime thriller. It's super tense. You get sucked right into the middle of the action. The performances are amazing. I was blown away. You know that this is a very unconventional team, but still these fuckers manage to do the unexpected.

IMDb score: 8/10
Our score: 10/10

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Fear the Walking Dead Season 1 Episode 3: The Dog

5 second plot: LA city is totally in chaos. The cops are still trying to get things under control. There are already a couple of zombies mingling with the crowd. Travis is trying to get home. The hairdresser and his family tag along. The electricity is almost gone. Zombie neighbors are attacking. The son and the mom start to get the drift of what's going on. When the army gets involved dad thinks everything's going to be okay. Sorry to have to break it to you dad...

5 second review: There's still a lot of focus on the family situation. It's time to start shifting the focus to the zombie apocalypse. Well, we do get a cool head-shot and the zombie moan is very present thanks to an old zombie lady next door.

IMDb score: 8,4/10
Our score: 8/10

Friday, September 11, 2015

The Visit requires some patience

5 second plot: Two kids go visit their grandparents for a week. They have never met them (mom broke all contact before the kids where born). When they arrive it all seems to be peaches and cream but after a while the Nana and Pop Pop start acting really weird. Especially after 21:30.

5 second review: The twist is so obvious that I didn't see it coming. Thank god, because that's about the only thing I liked about the movie. The kids are okay too. It's a cheap ass home video movie with lots of useless footage that was just added around a 30 minute story. It's quite the stretch.

IMDb score: 6,4/10
Our score: 4/10

Sleeping with Other People is a sweet romance for grown-ups

5 second plot: Lainey and Jake have one time magical sex in college and then never see each other again. They go on with their lives but they are not very happy and their relationships aren't working out. And then they run in to each other again and become best friends. Without benefits.

5 second review: It's funny, sweet and smart. But it's also laim and awkward here and there. I simply didn't know what to think of it from time to time. But in the end I decided it's actually pretty decent. I'm always down for that happy ending. Not that I'm saying there is a happy ending. I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise. There is a lot of sex talk. But I guess the title gave that away already.

IMDb score: 6,5/10
Our score: 7/10

Friday, September 4, 2015

Bloodsucking Bastards is a good effort

5 second plot: When a new sales manager arrives at Evan's workplace the useless employees suddenly start becoming productive. A couple of them (the 'normal' ones) realize that something is wrong. Their new manager is turning the co-workers into vampires and they obey his every command.

5 second review: Look at the title. And then 'a film by Dr. God'. You know what you're getting yourself into. It's made on a small budget, that's for sure. But these useless employees are actually funny to watch. And the blood splattering all over the place is nice and gory on the one hand but it also fits the comedy-part of the movie perfectly. Dr. God definitely put a good effort into this.

IMDb score: 5,7/10
Our score: 4/10

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A Walk in the Woods is pretty basic

5 second plot: Robert Redford decides to walk the Appalachian Trail. His wife doesn't want him to walk it alone. So he brings along an old friend: Nick Nolte.

5 second review: It's basically watching a couple of old guys walk in the woods. I'm not a big fan of Nick Nolte. But I really liked the movie. There's a lot of smart assing around and some slap stick here and there. It's actually a lot of fun. And I'm thinking of giving Nick Nolte another chance.

IMDb score: 6,5/10
Our score: 8/10