The Orville Season 1 Episode 1: Old Wounds

5 second plot: In the year 2419 Ed Mercer is promoted to captain of the ship The Orville. He is not too happy with his ex-wife being assigned as his First Officer. One their first mission they run into the Krill, a dangerous enemy.

5 second review: I loved the trailer of this first episode. But if you've seen the trailer, you've seen the best parts. Literally all the good jokes are already in the trailer. The rest of the episode is actually quite terrible. The crew explains everything that is going to happen in great detail. They're telling it to each other but you know that they are talking to you, the stupid viewer.

IMDb score: 7,3/10
Our score: 3/10
Our score for the trailer: 9,5/10

Transformers: The Last Knight is nuts

5 second plot: Humans and Transformers have to work together once again to save the world. Marky Mark gets insider information from Anthony Hopkins on the secret history of the Transformers. It appears that they were already here in the time of King Arthur. And that they saved our butts more times than we can count.

5 second review: What can I say that hasn't been said already about Michael Bay's movies? It's a big incomprehensible action extravaganza. I was already confused beyond repair after 10 minutes. But it's a cool slick (chaotic) action movie filled with robots, chases and explosions. So if you're into that: go for it.

IMDb score: 5,2/10
Our score: 3/10

Kong: Skull Island is too much

5 second plot: A team of scientists, soldiers and monster hunters (and a photographer (they just needed an excuse to bring Brie Larson along on their trip)) want to go explore a newly discovered island. But the big creatures on this island want to eat them for breakfast.

5 second review: I don't like it when they try to explain the things happening in a movie like this scientifically. It's a monster movie, man. We'll just go with the flow. However, in this case everything is so overly exaggerated that it's simply too much. There's big and there's too big. Also, make up your mind about which emotion you want us to go along with: one minute dead people are flying around, the next there's a picknick. Anyway: thank God they brought Brie Larson to the party.

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 3/10

Why Him? is not much fun

5 second plot: Bryan Cranston is meeting his daughter's boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he is a very rich rock star tech wizard. Totally the opposite of good old fashioned dad. So of course they collide and yada yada yada you know what happens next.

5 second review: I guess the characters are supposed to be funny. Well... they are (painfully) not. I almost gave up after 30 minutes but I hung in there and I (eventually) did laugh a couple of times (the mom's alright, and dad's computer guy is also alright) but overall: not okay man.

IMDb score: 6,3/10
Our score: 3,5/10

Beyond the Gates is way too boring

5 second plot: When their dad goes missing, John and Gordon decide he must be dead and start cleaning out his video store. They find a mysterious video/board game and start playing it. They don't realize it's a dangerous game that will take them... beyond... the... gaaaaaaates.

5 second review: Sweet lord this is a boring movie. It takes them forever to start playing the frikkin' game. I think it's supposed to be scary, which it is not. I also think it's designed to be a cult sensation. I don't know about that either. There are a couple of blood gushing scenes that are worthy. And the posters that accompany the movie are fantastic.

IMDb score: 5,2/10
Our score: 3/10

Max Steel is not very special

5 second plot: Max moves back to the town where he used to live when he was a little kid. This is also the town where his dad died in an explosion at a technical research facility. From the moment he arrives he start experiencing strange energy waves coming from his body.

5 second review: The effects are good and as an origin story it's okay. But it feels like a TV pilot and I think it's meant for small children. It's a little bit 'light' for my taste.

IMDb score: 4,6/10
Our score: 3/10

Ben-Hur is a bit silly

5 second plot: The story is set in the time Jesus lived (the real one, not the one from The Walking Dead). Two men who grew up as brothers, find themselves on opposite sides when the world around them changes.

5 second review: I wonder how in earth I made it to the end of this movie. It must be a little bit entertaining at just the right intervals. But you won't miss a thing if you just skip the entire thing. It's a bit silly how they tried to stick to the original script. A lot has changed in 57 years.

IMDb score: 5,7/10
Our score: 3/10

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising is no good

5 second plot: Mac and Kelly sold their house. But the buyers still have 30 days to reconsider and cancel the deal. That can't happen because M&K already bought another house. When a new party-all-night sorority moves in next door, it seems that they are screwed.

5 second review: The first one was fresh and fun, this one is stale and boring. It feels all wrong. I was even getting offended by the overkill of minority jokes. I don't want to be the party pooper, but it's just sad and it looks like the actors felt that way too.

IMDb score: 6,1/10
Our score: 3/10

High-Rise doesn't make much sense

5 second plot: Laing moves into a state of the art apartment building. After a while everyone starts flipping out for no apparent reason. The entire building descends into chaos.

5 second review: I don't very much like these arty-farty, style-above-content wannabees. It's no fun at all, boring and weird above anything else. It didn't make any sense to me at all.

IMDb score: 6,1/10

Our score: 3/10

Get a Job is a lot of bitching

5 second plot: This is the story of a group of youngsters that have to go look for a job for the first time in their lives. And it doesn't go as easy as they had planned.

5 second review: The cast is good. But that's about it. The basic idea of the movie is to have young people complain about how they were treated too well when they were growing up. It should be funny but I can't remember laughing. I think I was focusing to hard not to get angry about the constant bitching and whining. And now I've been whining for my entire 5 seconds goddamned.

IMDb score: 5,2/10
Our score: 3/10

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is old news

5 second plot: In 2003 a female reporter goes to Afghanistan to cover the war. She's only supposed to stay a couple of months, but she ends up staying a couple of years. And it was a very dangerous place you know.

5 second review: This is not a comedy. But look at the title, look at the stars, look at the poster... They even fooled the frikkin' IMDb. I don't think I had to laugh one time. Wait, yes I did. She has to pee at a certain point and holds up an entire military convoy. I did have to laugh with that. The story is also about the fact that people stopped caring about Afghanistan. I know. Why make a movie about it then?

IMDb score: 6,8/10
Our score: 3/10

Gods of Egypt is ludicrous

5 second plot: When an evil god takes the Egyptian throne, it's up to a young thief (one of the good guys) to help the rightful heir to the throne (also one of the good guys) get his eyeballs back (yes, you did read that correctly; there's even an eyeball on the poster: go look for it) and restore peace in their country.

5 second review: This movie is all about the (computer generated) spectacle. There's nothing else to it. The effects are often decent, but I couldn't help noticing I had a stupid smile on my face the entire time. Because it all looks really ridiculous. For instance the fact that humans are a lot smaller than gods. It looks a lot like an Exodus: Gods and Kings spoof, only it isn't. And that's painfully sad.

IMDb score: 5,7/10
Our score: 3/10

Heroes Reborn Season 1 Episode 4: The Needs of the Many

5 second plot: Noah and co are looking for Molly Walker. The Arctic Circle girl is on the move. Tommy's mom is not doing well. He desperately wants to save her but this might mean exposing his powers. Miko and Ren come to America. Something big is still going to happen. There are whispers of 7 billion people that are going to die.

5 second review: Where is this all going? It feels like nowhere and I don't feel like wasting my time while they try to figure it out. The effects are not very good. The Iron Man wannabe is silly. And the episode starts with another happy kill of a family man. It just doesn't feel right.

IMDb score: 8,7/10
Our score: 3/10

Cooties should be fun

5 second plot: After a kid eats an infected chicken nugget she gets thirsty for blood and very violent. She starts biting other children and then the virus spreads like wildfire. The teachers are trapped in the school and have to find a way to get out of there.

5 second review: If you're wondering if these grown ups are going to kill some kids? Yes, they are. They even set small children on fire and think that's really cool. It's meant to be a lot of fun, but it isn't. Every grown up is an asshole or a loser. There's no-one to root for. I was rooting for the kids.

IMDb score: 5,8/10
Our score; 3/10

Hitman: Agent 47 is ludicrous

5 second plot: An evil organization is looking for the guy that can make the perfect human. The perfect killing machine, that is. An almost perfect boy and girl are also looking for him. And they are on his side. So it seems.

5 second review: Oh boy. After the first (terrible) movie, I figured they must have gotten it right this time. But they didn’t. It’s really awful. The fights are good (a bit brutal, but good) and the action sequences are solid but the movie’s got no heart and no soul. And it doesn’t make any sense.

IMDb score: 5,9/10

Our score: 3/10

Extinction is only worth 10 mts of your time

5 second plot: A father, a daughter and a neighbor survive a zombie (sort of) apocalypse. They are shacked up in two separate houses and don't have a friendly contact. The daughter feels like it's time to spread her wings and check out the outside world that she has never ever seen. But that might not be such a good idea.

5 second review: This movie is extremely boring for an hour and a half. It only starts getting interesting in the last 10 minutes. A lot of stuff (too much) is left for our imagination to figure out. You've got to give us something man. Like why the fuck is it so cold?

IMDb score: 5,8/10
Our score: 3/10

Sawney: Flesh of Man is definitely a good concept

5 second plot: 500 years ago Scotland was terrorized by an evil clan that killed and ate over 1000 people. The clan was captured and killed, but one of them survived. Now, Scotland is again plagued by brutal killings. One investigative reporter tries to figure out what's going on, since the police doesn't seem to know what to do.

5 second review: The set-up text in the beginning is the best thing about the movie. The main (or even: the only) focus is showing us lots of gory images. And that's pretty well done actually. But all the rest (story, characters, tension,...) is not.

IMDb score: 4,5/10
Our score: 3/10

Penny Dreadful Season 2 Episode 6: Glorious Horrors

5 second plot: Sir Malcolm doesn't care too much that his wife is dead. He is in the grip of the leader of the witch-pack. Frankenstein loves his bride. People are recognizing her. Ethan gets a visit from a fellow American. His daddy wants him to come home. John's colleague finds out that he's not really alive. The team is still trying to solve the devil's puzzle. Dorian organizes a ball. Vanessa meets her rivals.

5 second review: This show's got so many cool subjects and still manages to avoid them all and be boring. The only thing everyone's talking about is the frikkin' ball. I don't think this is my cup of tea anymore. There's a really cool blood shower at the end but it's too little too late.

IMDb score: 9,4/10
Our score: 3/10

Home is too basic

5 second plot: Earth is overrun by a friendly alien race. All humans have been reallocated to new fake homes while the aliens take over the real world. Tip was left behind. She teams up with Oh, an alien on the run from his own people, to find her mom. And maybe save the planet.

5 second review: Thank god I took my kids to see this one (they loved it), because this movie did not amuse me one bit. It feels like the sole purpose of the movie is to make money out of fluffy merchandising and to promote Rihanna songs. The story is very thin (and boring), the characters are not fleshed out at all and the animation is too basic. The only thing that works are the colors. Like when Oh is lying and he turns green but doesn't realize it.

IMDb score: 6,8/10
Our score: 3,5/10

iZombie Season 1 Episode 2: Brother, Can You Spare a Brain?

5 second plot: Liv meets the zombie from her dreams. He seems pretty normal, but there is something about him that doesn't add up. Meanwhile Liv helps solve the murder of a painter, who got killed with his paint-brush.

5 second review: Poof, the magic is already gone, and it's only the second episode. The smart-assing is gone, the sharpness is gone and the clues are laying around sloppily all over the place. I think my iZombie adventure already ends here.

IMDb score: 8,4/10
Our score: 3/10