Sunday, April 30, 2017

American Gods Season 1 Episode 1-2 is impressive

5 second plot: Shadow (cool name huh) has just been released from prison. On his way to his wife's funeral (who died in a car crash with his best friend's private parts in her mouth) he is offered a job by Wednesday. A guy who seems to have been around for a while. And who seems to attract the kind of crowd that gets Shadow beaten up all the time.

5 second review: And I forgot about Vikings chopping each utter to pieces (parts flying around the screen) and a woman who 'absorbs' people in her vagina. I shit you not, it's that kind of TV show. Oh, and a buffalo with fire shooting out of his eyes. It's visually impressive but it looks like style over content so I wasn't going to pursue this further than 2 episodes. But goddamned I want to know what happens next.

IMDb score: 8,5/10
Our score: 9/10

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

The Handmaid's Tale Season 1 is bleak

5 second plot: Humanity has become infertile. Only a few babies are born. The US has been taken over by traditional fundamentalists. Their solution to the problem is to gather up the fertile woman and have them impregnated by the leaders of the country. Offred is one of those women.

5 second review: For a world where they are scared not to have enough people they sure are killing a lot of them. It's a bleak story (more drama than sci-fi) that slowly unfolds over the course of ten episodes. Sometimes it feels a little bit stretched out, but I don't think they could have fitted this in a normal length movie. Elisabeth Moss' performance is amazing. The way she has to switch from one extreme emotion (trying to keep her shit together) to another is unreal.

IMDb score: 8,7/10
Our score: 7,5/10

Friday, April 21, 2017

Free Fire is slick

5 second plot: A weapons deal turns into a shoot-out.

5 second review: An entire movie about a shoot-out? Yep. But it doesn't get boring at all. It's fun, slick and has some of the craziest dialogue I've heard in a long time. Simple cool action, that's more than good enough for me. I didn't have to switch my brain on or nothing. Great cast too, by the way.

IMDb score: 6,5/10
Our score: 8/10

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 is lots of fun

5 second plot: The Guardians try to help where they can in the Galaxy. When Rocket does something stupid they get into a whole lot of trouble. Also in this volume: Peter meets his dad. And Baby Groot is growing up and learning from the best.

5 second plot: There isn't much of a story. We're just following the Guardians around as they go about their business. There are a lot more tears and touchy-feely moments in this second volume and that's not really my thing. But there's also much more humor. It's not always smart or sophisticated, but there's something about these characters that make me laugh my ass off. So I had a lot of fun.

IMDb score: 8,3/10
Our score: 8/10

Friday, April 14, 2017

The Lost City of Z is a good biography

5 second plot: This is the true-life story of Percy Fawcett, a man who spent his entire life looking for a lost city (maybe even a lost city of gold) in the Amazonian jungle.

5 second review: I guess it's a good biography but it's not very entertaining as a movie. The only thing that kept my spirits up was the fact that I was going to see an incredible discovery. Spoiler alert (seriously, if you want to see the movie, do not read on): I didn't get to see jack shit. They probably never found the bloody city. What a waste of my precioussss time.

IMDb score: 6,8/10
Our score: 4/10

The Fate of the Furious is loads of fun

5 second plot: This time it's Dom against his own team because an international criminal has got him by the balls. With world peace at stake, everyone needs to step up his/her game.

5 second review: The Rock is a fucking monster. The Stath is a fucking ninja. Charlize is a bit of a drama queen. The action sequences are awesome. The team working together (and bitching at one another) is loads of fun. The dialogue is shit (except for the bitching), but you don't get a chance to really notice because there's always a car chase, ass kicking and/or explosion behind the corner.

IMDb score: 7/10
Our score: 8,5/10

Friday, April 7, 2017

Going in Style is very friendly

5 second plot: Three old timers decide to rob a bank after they lose their pension.

5 second review: I don't understand how a young director like Zach Braff was able to make a movie like this. Every problem a person has or could have when he/she gets older is in this movie. And of course it's all played for laughs. It's a 'friendly' movie but I didn't really laugh very often. I may have smiled a couple of times.

IMDb score: 6,7/10
Our score: 5,5/10

Colossal is weird

5 second plot: Gloria has got a drinking problem. She goes back to her old neighborhood to sort things out. And then she finds out that she is somehow connected to a monster that's roaming the streets of Seoul.

5 second review: I don't know who came up with this crazy idea or who had the balls to greenlit it, but I definitely do not know what they are trying to tell us. Either someone lost their mind halfway through the movie or someone didn't know what to do next and only had 60 minutes worth of film and started randomly making stuff up. I sure as hell don't know what to make of this. Please don't tell me this is a lesson on the dangers of addiction.

IMDb score: 6,2/10
Our score: 2/10

Sunday, April 2, 2017

The Walking Dead Season 7 Episode 16: The First Day of the Rest of Your Life 

5 second plot: Complete SPOILER ahead! Dwight (Negan's top guy) convinces Rick and his crew that he wants to switch sides. Alexandria prepares to attack Negan on the next visit. But they get double crossed by the all-dressed-in-black-fuckers (I knew it!). Alexandria narrowly escapes the wrath of Negan thanks to the Kingdom and the Hilltop.

5 second review: Will this Negan nightmare never end? I guess not. It's a very emotional and tense episode. But the final battle is confusing and doesn't seem to add up. And as a final note on the season: it felt like every episode was produced by an entirely different crew. I'm not too fond of this 'let's try something different every episode' style.

IMDb score: 7,6/10
Our score: 7/10