Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Impaler is a cool title for a movie

5 second plot: A group of friends go to Dracula's castle in Transylvania because one of them had a strange dream about it. They don't actually want to go but he practically drags them out there. Once they arrive, they are welcomed with open arms. But of course: shit hits the fan really fast.

5 second review: I was already bored out of my mind by the begin credits. This is one of those poorly made movies that just pisses you off. They try every trick in the book, but it looks so home made, it's just too sad to watch.

IMDb score: 4,3/10
Our score: 0/10

Monday, October 28, 2013

Ender's Game does not go easy on the kids

5 second plot: Earth was attacked by an alien race and humanity was nearly wiped out. But somehow we killed the fuckers. So now it's revenge time. The military is training the smartest kids to take the battle to the home planet of the aliens. I'm not sure why they need kids, but there is an explanation somewhere in the movie.

5 second review:  I don't like the adult - kid relations, they are weird. But I really like the sci-fi in this movie. It's pretty spectacular. The way the alien race 'swarms' is amazing. And what I like the most is the moral of the tale. 'The way we win matters.' True that.

IMDb score: 7,2/10
Our score: 9/10

The Walking Dead Season 4 Episode 3: Isolation

5 second plot: More and more people are getting sick. And they get real sick really fast. So a team is assembled to go and get antibiotics. But it's a long trip. Meanwhile all the sick people are quarantined. And everyone else does his or her best to help one way or another. Not always the right way though.

5 second review: This episode is filled with lots of cool zombie stuff. We get too see a zombie with moss on it and we also get to see a big herd. Sadly, also the rescue team runs into this herd.

IMDb score: 8,2//10
Our score: 9/10

Friday, October 25, 2013

All Is Lost requires some patience

5 second plot: Robert Redford is alone in the middle of the Indian Ocean and his boat gets hit by a floating container. Now there is a big hole in the boat and his communication equipment is broken. And that's not the end of his problems. About 99 of them. But at least, the b**ch ain't one.

5 second review: I have definitely proven to myself that I do not have the patience for movies like these. It's one guy, there is no talking and there is too little going on. Time seemed to start going slower and slower between the action sequences. It's probably just me, because most people really seem to like this movie.

IMDb score: 7,1/10
Our score: 1/10

The Counselor really got on my nerves

5 second plot: A lawyer (the counselor) gets entangled in a drug deal that goes wrong. The organisation losing the money is looking for someone to blame. And they are looking in his direction. Among others.

5 second review: There is way too much dialogue in this movie. The characters are speaking but don't care about what they are saying. They're simply speaking to cover up the fact that the movie isn't going anywhere. There are some memorable scenes, so there definitively was potential, but it wasn't put to good use.

IMDb score: 5,7/10
Our score: 3/10

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa is sweet

5 second plot: Billy's mom has to go to prison. She asks his granddad to bring him across the country to his dad. On their little road trip Billy and his granddad have one adventure after another. The nastiest one is a fart that blows up on the wall of a diner.

5 second review: I normally really hate these punk'd sketches, but Johnny Knoxville is such a sweet guy, that it's all really funny without taking it too far. And the kid... djeezes, where did they find him? He's amazing, it's like a grown up in a small kid's body.

IMDb score: 6,9/10
Our score: 7/10

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The African Americans: Many Rivers To Cross Season 1 Episode 1: The Black Atlantic

5 second plot: This first episode covers the history of African Americans from the year 1500  to 1800. During this period slavery was introduced in America. The amount of Africans that were brought to America as slaves during this period was enormous.

5 second review: I don't think I have ever seen a documentary about the history of African Americans. It's a very educational, interesting, well produced mini-series.

IMDb score: not yet rated
Our score: 8/10

Ravenswood Season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

5 second plot: A boy and a girl are drawn to a place called Ravenswood. They find out that the town has a dark history and they seem to have been part of it. They find obituaries of themselves from a hundred years ago.

5 second review: They kind of skipped the intro there, didn't they? It seems like a really great idea but I'm not interested at all in the second episode. That can't be good.

IMDb score: 8/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Walking Dead Season 4 Episode 2: Infected

5 second plot: The boy that got sick and died AND turned into a zombie starts biting people. A big panic breaks out, lots of people die and the zombie killing musketeers need to step in and save the day. Even Rick pitches in. Other people start feeling sick (like the boy). That can't be good.

5 second review: Lots of gore, some chills, some thrills and everybody is losing it. What's not to love?

IMDb score: 8,7/10
Our score: 9/10

Friday, October 18, 2013

Paradise is pretty shitty

5 second plot: This is the story of a girl who grew up in a very strict Christian community. She got severely burned in a plane crash and lost her faith (in god, that is). So now she's off to Las Vegas to find whatever the hell she's looking for. There, she meets some new friends.

5 second review: Seriously, I was sure she was going to kill herself in the end. (But no worries, she doesn't.) What a depressing movie. And what in god's name is it about? About nothing, really. And it's totally not funny. How can this be a comedy?

IMDb score: 4,6/10
Our score: 1/10

Escape Plan is dumb fun

5 second plot: Sly plays a guy who his hired to escape from prisons (as a way to evaluate the facilities). He gets put in a super-maximum security prison (Arnie is also there). And then he gets framed so now everyone thinks he is a real inmate.

5 second review: It is definitately a requirement to switch off your brain before watching this movie, because otherwise you will be annoyed. But if the switch is off, you will have fun with this basic action movie.

IMDb score: 7,1/10
Our score: 6/10

Big Ass Spider is not bad at all

5 second plot: Well, what can I say? There is a big ass spider on the loose and it is very hungry. The military, but more importantly exterminator Alex and his security friend Jose, are trying to stop it before it kills... everyone.

5 second review: This movie is pretty funny actually. The big special effects are very low budget of course, but the actors seem to be having a ball. And the fun they are having is catchy.

IMDb score: 5,2/10
Our score: 6/10

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Reign Season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

5 second plot: Set in the mid 16th century, it's the story of Mary, Queen of Scots. Who is staying in France and meets her future husband.

5 second review: It drives me crazy that someone chooses France as a location for a TV show and then has everyone speaking English without any explanation. And frikkin' Nostradamus is in there. Also speaking English. I only saw 7 minutes and turned it off. I am kind of curious what I missed, but I was more scared of it sucking so hard I would want to fling something at the TV.

IMDb score: 7,4/10
Our score: 0/10

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Walking Dead Season 4 Episode 1: 30 Days Without An Incident

5 second plot: The title says it all. It's been quiet in the prison. The walkers are gathering in big numbers at the fences. A crew goes out to look for stuff, a roof collapses on them and one of them gets killed. So far for the 30 days. Inside the prison a pig gets sick and dies. Not long after that a young boy dies as well.

5 second review: This is such a great show. It's ugly and dark, but I still love it. It's got zombies, man!

IMDb score: 8,5/10
Our score: 9/10

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Grown Ups 2 is horrible

5 second plot: The everyday boring life of a couple of grown ups.

5 second review: This movie is filled with a whole bunch of totally unfunny, childish and simply wrong jokes. But I still had to laugh with a lot of them. But that says more about my flaws than of the movie's merits.

IMDb score: 5,2/10
Our score: 5/10
Box Office Mojo: 242 mio $ worldwide (on 22-10-2013)

Friday, October 11, 2013

Captain Philips: is this guy for real?

5 second plot: This is the true story of the captain in the title, whose ship was hijacked by Somali pirates. The US Navy sent in a couple of warships and the Seals to resolve the situation as quickly as possible.

5 second review: You can not make up emotions like these... What an amazing performance - again - from Tom Hanks. The movie starts off slow - real life situations tend to do that - but builds up to a suspenseful finale that will put you on the edge of your seat. Hold on tight.

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 8/10

Mystery Road is peculiar

5 second plot: In a remote town in the Australian outback a young girl is found murdered. A detective that used to live there is called to investigate. He doesn't get a lot of assistance, not even from his colleagues. But he is eager to find out what happened.

5 second review: This movie moves at such a slow pace I often wondered how in the world I was going to make it to the end. But I wanted to know the ending. And I'll be damned: the ending is the best part of the movie. But they somehow figured out a way to hide the clue so well, that I seem to have missed it. What the fuck is the clue to the whole story?

IMDb score: 6,6/10
Our score: 5/10

Crab Monsters, Teenage Cavemen and Candy Stripe Nurses

5 second book report: The life of Roger Corman, king of the B movies, told by a series of interviews with a whole bunch of people who started their career with him.

5 second review: What a revelation! Before reading this book I thought I knew a thing or two about movies. It turns out I didn't know shit! But now I do. Thanks to Chris Nashawaty. Oh yeah, this is book report by the way. It's not a movie. Just wanted to make sure you got that. It truly is a must read for all movie lovers.

Our score: 9/10

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland Season 1 Episode 1: Down the Rabbit Hole

5 second plot: Well, it's about Alice. In... Well... You know. Wonderland. But no-one believes her when she says that she has actually been there. So she wants to prove it.

5 second review: Well, we sure are used to a lot more than this amateur CGI crap, aren't we? And holy shit: this is boring.

IMDb score: 7,5/10
Our score: 0/10

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

The Tomorrow People Season 1 Episode 1-2

5 second plot: Some humans (mostly young people) have evolved to become a superior species. They can teleport and read people's minds (and stuff like that). The non-mutated humans are not very happy with this new race and created on organisation to contain the 'problem'.

5 second review: It starts out really promising in the first episode but the second one already gets a bit boring and repetitive. I don't know if there is enough interesting material to keep on going. There should be though, it's not like it's a boring subject. It did make me think of Heroes a lot.

IMDb score: 7,6/10
Our score: 7/10

American Horror Story Season 3: Coven Episode 1-9

5 second plot: This season is all about witches and their wicked ways. Young witches go to a special school where they learn how to use their powers. The leader of the coven is called 'the supreme'. She's one nasty witch, who only cares about herself. There are not very much of them left, and now they've got trouble coming their way.

5 second review: It's light, it's fun, the witches are cool and we are treated to some zombies. Need I say more? This is the best season yet. One thing though: it doesn't always make a whole lot of sense. And all of a sudden new threats simply appear out of nowhere. Oh, and I definitely didn't like the Frankenstein bit.

IMDb score: 8,4/10
Our score: 8/10

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Zombie Hunter is not good in a bad way

5 second plot: The world has gone down the shitter due to a drug that started an epidemic that turned everyone into zombies. There are not a lot of non-infected humans left so they gather up to... well, to get their asses kicked as a team I guess.

5 second review: This movie left me hanging with a lot of 'why?' questions. Like 'why didn't I check the IMDb score beforehand?'. 'Why I am still watching?' It's a really shitty movie. With a lot of annoying elements (voice overs (yes multiple) that make you want to kick something), extremely bad CGI, but still some interesting stuff (mind you: very little). Mostly gore.

IMDb score: 3,4/10
Our score: 2/10

Supernatural Season 9 Episode 1: I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here

5 second plot: Sam is in a coma and he is dying. Dean is trying to save him, of course. He summons some fallen (and often very pissed off) angels for help. He gets a bit more than he bargained for.

5 second review: That's a pretty impressive 'road so far' in the beginning of the episode. Too bad that is about the only exciting thing that's happening. Too much drama, that's for sure. If this is going to be an entire season trying to save Sam, I am out.

IMDb score: 8,8/10
Our score: 5/10

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Season 1 Episode 3: The Asset

5 second plot: An important S.H.I.E.L.D. asset gets kidnapped. He holds the key to unlock some kind of super-gravity device.

5 second review: I don't know why I keep trying to like the show. It sucks. It's papier mache. And ridiculous.

IMDb score: 7,6/10
Our score: 3/10

Monday, October 7, 2013

Carrie looks a bit silly

5 second plot: Carrie is a strange kid, raised by a crazy mother. Other kids laugh with her at school. One day they push it too far. Carrie feels humiliated. At the school prom this humiliation changes to anger. And this anger, combined with her telekinetic abilities, is a dangerous cocktail.

5 second review: Man, it takes like forever for her to get in her bloody Carrie mode. There is some very cool stuff going on in this movie, but there is way too little of it. It's difficult to act being telekinetic, I get that, but it just looks really silly here, doesn't it?

IMDb score: 6,2/10
Our score: 4/10

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Witches of East End season 1 Episode 1: Pilot

5 second plot: A family of (good, so it seems) witches is under attack from someone evil who is trying to kill them. The daughters don't know yet that they have special powers, but they find out soon enough.

5 second review: This is actually a pretty interesting show. It's more a TV show for women, but I kinda want to know what happens next.

IMDb score: 8,1/10
Our score: 8/10

Friday, October 4, 2013

Filth starts off perfectly

5 second plot: Bruce is a cop in Scotland. He drinks, does drugs, lies, manipulates,... he's a real asshole. Still, he's got everything reasonably under control and everyone still seems to believe (in) him. But his fucked up lifestyle is getting to him. It doesn't take long before his entire life totally falls apart.

5 second review: This movie starts off brilliantly. For a moment, I seriously thought I was watching the next Trainspotting. But then, just like the main character, the movie spirals totally out of control. And all of a sudden all the fun is gone. That was probably the whole idea, but it didn't work for me.

IMDb score: 7,3/10
Our score: 6/10